I hate getting stuck in my head. Yesterday was a bad day. I have gained so much weight from last summer being so depressed and now this new medicine has helped pack on a few extra pounds. None of my clothes fit and so when I squeeze into my pants I feel terrible! All day all I can do is think about how fat I am, how gross I look, what a failure I am and how embarrassed I am. These thoughts don't just circle my mind once but time and time again. It is like a bad song on repeat.
My anxiety was up and irritability was through the roof. The thoughts never stop. I am stuck there in my head beating myself up. What good does that do? It only makes me feel worse but I can't be comfortable with who I have become. I can't help the thoughts. Once they are there I can't get rid of them. I sometimes feel like I am going crazy.
Today is another day. Today is a little better. I am a little more hopeful. Life is looking up and I have faith that God is going to pull my family through all that is going on, including my weight issues. I can do it with strength from God if I don't lose faith and focus.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Invisible
My life group on Sunday at church has started a new study on worry. We are all in deep discussion about how worry and anxiety to some may show a lack of faith in God. On a manic day I would probably agree but on a depressed day I would refuted until I was blue in the face. I am stable now so I sat there in my own head thinking. We are so quick to judge. I see all these posts on Facebook about the invisible illness. You never know who may be suffering with a mental illness because it is an invisible illness. I myself have shared them to try and spread the awareness in hopes that people will start to think before they start judging so quickly. You never know what a person may be suffering with. I'm guilty of this and I suffer! To say that one has a lack of faith because they worry or have anxiety about situations is an unfair assumption because you don't know what that person is dealing with.
There was a time when no one knew I had a mental illness and I too have been judged on occasion! Everyone had an opinion about me. Like the first time I went to a church group and later down the road one of my friends said, "well they all thought you were a bitch". Wow! A church group?
I wonder if they took the time to think before they so quickly judged. So because I don't talk much in unfamiliar situations, because I am shy, because I am socially awkward, because I have a little bit of social anxiety and because I have bipolar disorder and DIFFERENT from them they are quick to judge. They didn't know what that difference was of course and obviously didn't take the time to think about it before coming to their conclusions. They just whispered behind my back like cowards. Gossiping. I hate gossip and I hate when someone wants to talk about others behind there back.
Anyway, back to the original topic. We are in my life group and worrying is a sign of lack of faith to some. I can completely see where people can think of it that way. Maybe sometimes that is the fact. They need to have faith in God to pull them through their worries. I was happy to hear one of the people in the group point out that there are those who have a mental illness and can't help the worry or anxiety. Praise God! People are starting to think before making assumptions. This matters to me because of what happened in that church group where some of the girls thought I was a bitch before taking a step back and thinking. I wish more people would start thinking about what the other person may be going through or dealing with before they label them with lack of faith or otherwise.
I am not like everyone else. My brain fires differently than the healthy person's brain fires. I sometimes do and say things that healthy people wouldn't say. My moods can only be partially controlled by a mood stabilizer, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medication. I say partially controlled because even with those medications, everyday for the rest of my life, I am still ill. They don't have chemo for my illness. It is here and it is here to stay. So, I may not act like a normal person. I may say things that normal people wouldn't say. I may do things that normal people wouldn't do. I will get depressed beyond what a normal person calls depression. There is no light at the end of my tunnel. I can't get off the couch. I can't pray. I don't want to go on living. Someone may have it worse but I am right there on their heels. I will get manic. I will think I am the best thing going, that I have the best idea's, that I am the most beautiful woman in the world, that I am better than you and do things that are unthinkable for a Christian girl to be doing (we won't go there). And that's medicated folks!
There is almost nothing that I hate more than for someone to throw out the cliches to me. I want to strangle them. Things like....there is a light at the end of the tunnel, just pray, I'll pray for you, someone always has it worse than you, look on the bright side and look at what you have been blessed with.
Anyway. I wasn't upset in my life group when worry being a lack of faith was being discussed. I was stuck in my head thinking, do I have a lack of faith and am I not a good enough Christian? Then mental illness was brought into the discussion and brought me back to my reality. I don't have a lack of faith and I am good enough. God knows better than anyone what He has given me and He knows that I do my very best at my worse. God spoke so loudly to me on Sunday and I am so thankful to have been in there. God reassured me that I am His child and I am good enough through all my worry and anxiety because he knows I am ill. God worked through people in my life group that day and I am thankful to God and to those people who were there Sunday.
Now with all of this being said. I am struggling in my head whether or not I should share this on Facebook because it doesn't necessarily shed a good light on the church. Here is the thing, the church is a body of people not a building. Where you have a body of people you will have tons of differences. That body of people all happen to be sinners. Things are going to be said and you take it with a grain of salt. Some things can be very hurtful and I hope to bring awareness with this post. With my blog post today it was important to talk about my experience. It's mine after all. But if we are being honest here, and I am, in every church there are these situations like mine where I was judged so quickly and labeled. We are all human, we are all sinners and just because people go to Church doesn't mean they are perfect. We are supposed to be different from the rest of the world and be Christ-like. People have high expectations of church goers (I guess STIGMA is everywhere). That we are perfect people or something. Maybe that is what some try and portray but not I! I am in no way trying to shed a bad light on the church, I am shedding an honest light. My experience that will hopefully help someone else. Some things may be better left unsaid to some. To me I don't leave to many things unsaid. I guess if I am writing a book I might as well post it on Facebook.
There was a time when no one knew I had a mental illness and I too have been judged on occasion! Everyone had an opinion about me. Like the first time I went to a church group and later down the road one of my friends said, "well they all thought you were a bitch". Wow! A church group?
I wonder if they took the time to think before they so quickly judged. So because I don't talk much in unfamiliar situations, because I am shy, because I am socially awkward, because I have a little bit of social anxiety and because I have bipolar disorder and DIFFERENT from them they are quick to judge. They didn't know what that difference was of course and obviously didn't take the time to think about it before coming to their conclusions. They just whispered behind my back like cowards. Gossiping. I hate gossip and I hate when someone wants to talk about others behind there back.
Anyway, back to the original topic. We are in my life group and worrying is a sign of lack of faith to some. I can completely see where people can think of it that way. Maybe sometimes that is the fact. They need to have faith in God to pull them through their worries. I was happy to hear one of the people in the group point out that there are those who have a mental illness and can't help the worry or anxiety. Praise God! People are starting to think before making assumptions. This matters to me because of what happened in that church group where some of the girls thought I was a bitch before taking a step back and thinking. I wish more people would start thinking about what the other person may be going through or dealing with before they label them with lack of faith or otherwise.
I am not like everyone else. My brain fires differently than the healthy person's brain fires. I sometimes do and say things that healthy people wouldn't say. My moods can only be partially controlled by a mood stabilizer, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medication. I say partially controlled because even with those medications, everyday for the rest of my life, I am still ill. They don't have chemo for my illness. It is here and it is here to stay. So, I may not act like a normal person. I may say things that normal people wouldn't say. I may do things that normal people wouldn't do. I will get depressed beyond what a normal person calls depression. There is no light at the end of my tunnel. I can't get off the couch. I can't pray. I don't want to go on living. Someone may have it worse but I am right there on their heels. I will get manic. I will think I am the best thing going, that I have the best idea's, that I am the most beautiful woman in the world, that I am better than you and do things that are unthinkable for a Christian girl to be doing (we won't go there). And that's medicated folks!
There is almost nothing that I hate more than for someone to throw out the cliches to me. I want to strangle them. Things like....there is a light at the end of the tunnel, just pray, I'll pray for you, someone always has it worse than you, look on the bright side and look at what you have been blessed with.
Anyway. I wasn't upset in my life group when worry being a lack of faith was being discussed. I was stuck in my head thinking, do I have a lack of faith and am I not a good enough Christian? Then mental illness was brought into the discussion and brought me back to my reality. I don't have a lack of faith and I am good enough. God knows better than anyone what He has given me and He knows that I do my very best at my worse. God spoke so loudly to me on Sunday and I am so thankful to have been in there. God reassured me that I am His child and I am good enough through all my worry and anxiety because he knows I am ill. God worked through people in my life group that day and I am thankful to God and to those people who were there Sunday.
Now with all of this being said. I am struggling in my head whether or not I should share this on Facebook because it doesn't necessarily shed a good light on the church. Here is the thing, the church is a body of people not a building. Where you have a body of people you will have tons of differences. That body of people all happen to be sinners. Things are going to be said and you take it with a grain of salt. Some things can be very hurtful and I hope to bring awareness with this post. With my blog post today it was important to talk about my experience. It's mine after all. But if we are being honest here, and I am, in every church there are these situations like mine where I was judged so quickly and labeled. We are all human, we are all sinners and just because people go to Church doesn't mean they are perfect. We are supposed to be different from the rest of the world and be Christ-like. People have high expectations of church goers (I guess STIGMA is everywhere). That we are perfect people or something. Maybe that is what some try and portray but not I! I am in no way trying to shed a bad light on the church, I am shedding an honest light. My experience that will hopefully help someone else. Some things may be better left unsaid to some. To me I don't leave to many things unsaid. I guess if I am writing a book I might as well post it on Facebook.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Could this be.....
Stability? I haven't known stability in so long I don't know how it feels. To my family I am either depressed or manic. Any emotion at all is blamed on the monster. For instance, if I want to do something out of the norm for me then I am manic. If I don't want to be around people for whatever reason then I am depressed. That is not always the case. I am still trying to find out who Ashlee is because I am unfamiliar with a stable me. I honestly don't know what stability looks like for me.
I can remember back in a happier time in my life (WOW eleven years ago) when I was around the age of sixteen or seventeen. The circumstance I was under around that time were not good circumstances yet when I think back for the most part I was happy. I can remember loving life, loving the people around me, having good times and feeling joy. Despite the circumstances, which were horrible, I had joy. It is hard for me to distinguish if I was hypo-manic during those times, manic or just me because who is "me"? Was I ever stable? I have ALWAYS been crazy, out going, loud, center of attention, the party has arrived girl. Was that manic me or is that my personality? Inside I feel like that girl. The girl who says things that are better left unsaid, the girl who on a whim takes off to Tennessee just to go, the girl who up and packs up for a weekend to go camping on a whim, the girl who loves loud music and dancing, the girl who doesn't take any crap from anyone, the girl who will call you out and embarrass all her friends around her and the girl that may moon you going down the interstate.
That girl that I just described is the girl I always remember and is there something really wrong with that girl? Yea, I may say things out of the way, I may make a situation uncomfortable for other people, I may take off and just get away, I may go to a bar and get my dance on but when I am that girl I get pegged as manic. In my book that isn't manic.
You see, when I was growing up I had a lot of fun. I remember on the spur of the moment we would go camping, go to Florida, ride down an old country road just because. I remember being on the interstate and people mooning each other and messing with the truckers. I remember messing with people just to mess with them. I remember doing a lot of things that I shouldn't have been doing. I was always a rebel. That's not manic, right? We would do silly things out in public just to embarrass each other. We were just a crazy group of people who didn't care who was watching or what people thought because we were having a good time. That girl is still there. I really like that girl. Heavens forbid she creeps out and I am labeled manic.
I'm pretty sure that a lot of my "craziness" is from how I was raised and not a manic episode. I do go overboard and I do get manic! But if I am the least little bit happy and want to have a good time or do something spur of the moment I am manic. It is hard to deal with because I am ALWAYS labeled. I am never just me. When I am being labeled by a loved one and NOT in an episode it kills my self-esteem. It makes me feel like who I am is not acceptable. In a way episodes are not acceptable because of the behavior brought on by the episodes. So, if the episodes are unacceptable and my family thinks that I am in an episode and I'm not then I am unacceptable. At least that is how my brain works and that is how I feel.
I'm stable now. I am who I am. I do what I do. I say what I say. Most people who know me well, who have known me all my life will tell you, "that's just Ashlee". I think that's okay. I think it's okay to just be Ashlee. The only problem is my husband, recently made friends within the past three or so years and acquaintances don't know the stable Ashlee. Well, obviously by this blog I don't either but for arguments sake we are going to run with this. These people know the depressed me, the manic me and the hypo-manic me. They don't know the Ashlee that does stuff on a whim, says crazy things, does crazy things and has fun. I haven't been that person in eleven years because from eighteen to twenty two I was high, self medicating. At twenty three I had my son and by the time I turned twenty four I was strung out on pills. By twenty five I was in detox. A few months later after that I was pregnant with my daughter.
What I am trying to say is I haven't had time to get stable because I was either high, having babies or trying to fight addiction. Most of the people in my life right now didn't know me when I was stable. When I met my husband I was high. The friends I have now know the Ashlee who was fighting the fight to stay clean. I was unstable in each circumstance. I am worried they may not like the stable Ashlee. I am mostly worried about my husband. He has seen a many of me's yet not a stable one and I haven't for a long time either.
I can remember back in a happier time in my life (WOW eleven years ago) when I was around the age of sixteen or seventeen. The circumstance I was under around that time were not good circumstances yet when I think back for the most part I was happy. I can remember loving life, loving the people around me, having good times and feeling joy. Despite the circumstances, which were horrible, I had joy. It is hard for me to distinguish if I was hypo-manic during those times, manic or just me because who is "me"? Was I ever stable? I have ALWAYS been crazy, out going, loud, center of attention, the party has arrived girl. Was that manic me or is that my personality? Inside I feel like that girl. The girl who says things that are better left unsaid, the girl who on a whim takes off to Tennessee just to go, the girl who up and packs up for a weekend to go camping on a whim, the girl who loves loud music and dancing, the girl who doesn't take any crap from anyone, the girl who will call you out and embarrass all her friends around her and the girl that may moon you going down the interstate.
That girl that I just described is the girl I always remember and is there something really wrong with that girl? Yea, I may say things out of the way, I may make a situation uncomfortable for other people, I may take off and just get away, I may go to a bar and get my dance on but when I am that girl I get pegged as manic. In my book that isn't manic.
You see, when I was growing up I had a lot of fun. I remember on the spur of the moment we would go camping, go to Florida, ride down an old country road just because. I remember being on the interstate and people mooning each other and messing with the truckers. I remember messing with people just to mess with them. I remember doing a lot of things that I shouldn't have been doing. I was always a rebel. That's not manic, right? We would do silly things out in public just to embarrass each other. We were just a crazy group of people who didn't care who was watching or what people thought because we were having a good time. That girl is still there. I really like that girl. Heavens forbid she creeps out and I am labeled manic.
I'm pretty sure that a lot of my "craziness" is from how I was raised and not a manic episode. I do go overboard and I do get manic! But if I am the least little bit happy and want to have a good time or do something spur of the moment I am manic. It is hard to deal with because I am ALWAYS labeled. I am never just me. When I am being labeled by a loved one and NOT in an episode it kills my self-esteem. It makes me feel like who I am is not acceptable. In a way episodes are not acceptable because of the behavior brought on by the episodes. So, if the episodes are unacceptable and my family thinks that I am in an episode and I'm not then I am unacceptable. At least that is how my brain works and that is how I feel.
I'm stable now. I am who I am. I do what I do. I say what I say. Most people who know me well, who have known me all my life will tell you, "that's just Ashlee". I think that's okay. I think it's okay to just be Ashlee. The only problem is my husband, recently made friends within the past three or so years and acquaintances don't know the stable Ashlee. Well, obviously by this blog I don't either but for arguments sake we are going to run with this. These people know the depressed me, the manic me and the hypo-manic me. They don't know the Ashlee that does stuff on a whim, says crazy things, does crazy things and has fun. I haven't been that person in eleven years because from eighteen to twenty two I was high, self medicating. At twenty three I had my son and by the time I turned twenty four I was strung out on pills. By twenty five I was in detox. A few months later after that I was pregnant with my daughter.
What I am trying to say is I haven't had time to get stable because I was either high, having babies or trying to fight addiction. Most of the people in my life right now didn't know me when I was stable. When I met my husband I was high. The friends I have now know the Ashlee who was fighting the fight to stay clean. I was unstable in each circumstance. I am worried they may not like the stable Ashlee. I am mostly worried about my husband. He has seen a many of me's yet not a stable one and I haven't for a long time either.
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