Some sort of Hope *UPDATE*

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant in the trial and the change
One thing… Remains

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me

One Thing Remains ~ Passion

This is how I feel about that at this moment......I face some pretty steep mountains and I am in constant trail and change and I know God's love never fails and He never gives up on me but lately I don't feel Him. And no I haven't been doing my part. I don't pray, well I do occasionally. I'm not in the word. He is not at the center like He used to be.

I am having a hard time being motivated about anything in my life. I guess that's a part of my monster. You get defeated and somewhat give up because it is overwhelming. Seems like there are 100 things that need to be done and in my brain it's like I can't sort through it like I used to be able to. For instance, taking one thing at a time. I see all these things and it seems like too much and I don't know where to start and it overwhelms me so I just don't do it at all. I can't do just one things at a time. I feel like I need to do them all at once, which is ridiculous because who in the world can do that. So, I go from one thing to the next without finishing the first thing and so they get half way done before I get so overwhelmed I just quit.

Now there is the list....I'll get back to that in a minute.

About the praying and reading the bible. I can't concentrate. My mind is in 100 different directions at once and I can't get my brain to focus long enough before I am talking to God or reading while also thinking that the radio in the car still isn't put back together, Marlee's room needs to be cleaned, I can't forget about my appointment coming up, did I take my medicine or did I just think about taking my medicine, I need to give the kids a bath tonight but that is so much trouble and on and on and on. So, at the point of AMEN I have no idea what I was talking about with God or reading. So, I feel defeated. I can't do the simplest things that  other people do, so I'm not good enough or not as good as this person or that person. I'm not a good enough Christian because I can't do what other people do and then people try to encourage me and in my head I am going blah blah blah cause they have no idea. Like I haven't tried what they are suggesting. It irritates me, then what doesn't? UGH.

Back to the list. My counselor had me make a list of the top ten things I hate with number one being the thing I hate the most and doing number one first and work my way down the list. See, I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to everyday. It's the same life everyday, same routine, and I can't enjoy anything. I just exist. I'm an empty shell of a person that just goes with the motions trying to survive day to day. Trying to survive....that hits home. Who has to TRY and survive. Anyway. The list has given me some hope. I have been able to do the things I need to do. Mostly because it is organized and I don't go from one task to the next not finishing anything. I do the laundry (which is number one), do the dishes (number two) and so on. I have actually been accomplishing stuff and have had some pretty good days. It feels good to be able to do something, gives me some sort of hope.

So, hopefully I can keep this up and behave myself out of this slump I am in. It is so stupid to me.....I know in my rational mind that this is what I needed to do. I have thought about a list several times just never did it. I don't know why. Lack of caring, depression, no motivation to live. That is what makes me feel so crazy sometimes. I am not an ignorant girl, I am educated, I have a good sense or grasp on life in my rational mind. I know how things are supposed to be, what I am supposed to do but I just can't do it sometimes or I get lost in never never land. I don't know what happens really. Sometimes I give up but I guess maybe most of the time I feel so empty I can't hold it together.

Oh and the emptiness. I wonder if normal people forget how to love? If they too get empty, truly empty where they feel absolutely nothing at all. Most of the time I feel nothing, I don't know what to say or do or care about. The only emotion I ever do feel is anger. I am very angry and irritable. I can't deal with other people's crap, I can't take care of other people, I can't hold their stuff together and hold mine together. It is too much for me. I get overwhelmed so easily and then comes the anxiety and panic and racing thoughts. It's a cycle for me. I freak out over the smallest things because I am the one that has to hold everything together all the time with no help and I can barely can hold myself together. Sometimes I can't hold myself together. Why would anyone expect me to hold it all together? I can't hold it all together.


I DO NOT BELIEVE IN COINCIDENCES:

That being said.....what did I read on my favorite blog today? This ~~  You walk, one foot in the front of the other by the faith that gives you the hope you are already changed, perfect (Hebrews 10:14) according to heaven.

I don't have to be good enough, or like this person or like that person. I can just be me and look up instead of around. Go read her blog!  http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/01/when-you-give-up-and-you-break-youve-made-it/

Whoopty Doo

I am going out and about today. God, even when I doubt, takes care of us. I didn't think we were going to have enough money for groceries this week but looking at the calendar and how the bills fall I even had enough money to put back for next week when the check is going to be crappy! I have worried so much and then let it affect my marriage because of course everything is Michael's fault. I don't know how he puts up with me. He can't help that his back went out and he missed so much work. It's not his fault but I have to run him in the ground like it is his fault. I hate that I let the anxiety and stress turn to so much anger that I hurt other people. I've been doing that a lot lately. Snapping off at people who don't deserve to be snapped off at. It's like I can't help it, I don't think about it before I do it, it just comes spilling out of my mouth and then I feel horrible. It makes me cringe thinking about it.

Anyway, I am going to the grocery. Last time I had a horrible experience and I am going to try and not let my crazy side take over. I mean it's just the grocery.....big freakin whoopty doo. Why be nervous about doing things that are normal everyday things? I wish I could be normal. Oh and it's a snow day here. There is NO snow. I don't get it. My point being that I have both of the kids with me, again, when I go. Jace usually gets me really fired up. We really butt heads!!! He is just like me so I'm pretty sure that's why. So.....I am venturing out. I don't want to get dressed or the kids dressed or get them loaded in the car or take them out of the car or put groceries in the car or take them out of the car and then put the groceries away but I'm pretty hungry and there is little to nothing in this house. I'll update when i get back.

UPDATE:

It started spitting ice....so of course by the time I get ready and get the kids ready and go outside we had to go back in the house. The roads were horrible here wrecks everywhere. You could see the ice on the road in front of my house. Hopefully I can get out tomorrow.

Speaking of tomorrow....that is yet another challenge. Jace had another basketball game. I hate being around groups of people. I get so nervous. I don't want to go but when it comes to my kids I will always make myself go. Usually if Michael is there I do better. I think he will be sleeping this time cause the game is early. He works third shift :(

So basketball AND the grocery tomorrow. Makes me anxious thinkin about it. I don't want to go alone. But I will of course.

Counseling and Clothes Hangers

I went and seen my counselor today and he hit the nail on the head. He told me exactly how I feel when  I couldn't tell him how I feel. Living day in and day out with nothing to look forward to, no happiness, emptiness, feeling like I just exist. That's it....existing. What fun is that, what is there to look forward to? I wake up, do the same thing every day, unable to enjoy anything at all, unable to do everyday things when I know in my rational mind that all I have to do is get up and do it but in my bipolar mind I can't. Baby steps.

I have to make a list.This list consists of the things I hate to do. Then I have to do those things. I also have to sweat three times a week which I want to do. Then I have to actually pay my water bill in person. You are probably like....what? I don't want to have to have any human interaction. It makes me nervous. So, next month I need to pay my water bill. *Sigh* I can do it, I know I can do it. My rational mind says....hello weirdo just go pay the bill, what's the big deal? The other side of me says NOOOOO! Then I'm like....that is so stupid to think NOOOO, just do it, what is the big deal? I don't know how it is possible to feel two different emotions at once or to think two different things at once. To battle with your own mind. Most would call that crazy, I just call it bipolar :):

So, why Counseling and Clothes Hangers? Number one on that list is laundry. I hate, despise laundry and we never have enough clothes hangers and so I stopped at Walmart on my way home and got some. I'll be needing them I guess. I don't guess, I know.

I can do this. I have always been a fighter. I won't let this monster win. I am going to learn how to live with it, control it and not let it control me. The battle begins.......

Everything will be okay.....

For God's sake....no it won't. I get so fed up with hearing people say that or blog about that who have no idea what it means to be mentally ill. I'm not just depressed, I'm not just overly happy, I'm not just aggravated, I'm not just anxious, I'm not just going to get better. Sure, it may get better for a period of time but I will fight this monster for the rest of my stinking life. There are going to be more ups and down's and I have to deal with that. I am not like a "normal" person who is depressed or down in the dumps for a couple months. Those people are actually lucky they can take some prozac for a couple of months and then be okay...back to the old routine. This is an illness like diabetes, it is something for the rest of my life that has to be treated medically and if not it can kill me.

So, I read all these inspirational blogs and it gets under my skin because what about people like me? People who don't get better or do get better but in a couple of months go back to being not okay because things will never be completely stable for the rest of our lives. All this scripture is posted and all these encouraging words of hang on to God, with Christ all things are possible. All it does is make me feel like a failure because it's not that easy for me. So, do I not have the faith that it takes? I have faith but I also know reality. So is it different in God's eyes with a sick person? A person who loses all sense of self sometimes and does things that they shouldn't do or a person who goes so deep into depression they can't even get out of bed much less focus on a bible study. I guess sometimes I feel as if I can't live up to the expectations that are set for Christians all because I am different. I am ill, I can't just get over it or come out of it. I hate when people tell me that. They think "oh well if she would get out of the house, if she would pray, if she would have faith, if she would call someone". Who am I supposed to call? No one gets it. They judge instead and make assumptions about me and what I should do instead of trying to understand.

I guess I just wish I knew what God thought about this. He planned out my life for the good.....where is the good? What does He think when I get crazy and forget about Him, what does He think when I get so depressed I can't think about anything? I have yet to find an inspirational blog that get's what I go through and has some sort of answers. I don't have any.  It's not as simple as all these other blogs make it to be for people like me. It makes me jealous, wishing that it was that easy. I don't know......I guess I am just irritated.

Basketball :)

My babies! Had a bball game today and socially I did good. I had my husband a finally refilled my buspar!

Normal People

Last week I was at Jace's basketball practice, just Marlee and I. I sat in front of one woman and then came another woman who sat behind me. Immediately they started a conversation and they didn't know each other. I heard one say to the other, "I don't know many people from here, I am not from here" and the other lady replied "nice to meet you". So, I sat there wondering the entire time as I listened to them chatting, how do people do that? I can't just go up to someone and start a conversation and even when someone starts one with me or casually says something to me I can't keep a conversation going. Everyone used to chalk it up to being shy. I am partly shy but for the most part here is what is running through my brain when I have to meet and talk to someone new......am I talking too much, am I not talking enough, what do they think of me, I bet they think I'm not normal, I bet they can tell there is something different, I bet they already don't like me and it goes on and on.

With bipolar disorder comes paranoia. I didn't realize that I had it so badly until I have lately been obsessed with researching my disease. I put a lot of stuff together. I hate going anywhere sometimes. I am always paranoid, especially if it is somewhere new. A couple of weeks ago I went to the grocery and because I hadn't been there before I kept thinking on the way there, "what if people can tell I haven't been here before, what if they can tell I'm not from this town, I don't want people looking at me". Then I get there and my anxiety is off the chain! Everyone I pass I think they are looking at me, thinking whatever they may be thinking about me, someone smiles and I put my head down and I have all these crazy thoughts going through my head. I mean come on....am I really that important to other people? HAHAHAHAHA! I'm sure no one was worried about me or what I was doing and they realized I was there doing the same thing they were doing. But in my mind everyone was looking at me, they were thinking bad things about me and it made my anxiety go through the roof. I always thought it was just anxiety but it's not. I'm pretty sure normal people don't deal with this.

I drive myself crazy sometimes because I get so worked up over nothing but I can't help it. I can't make it stop. Then my mind starts going even crazier than it usually is, thinking all kinds of unreasonable things (unless the mob is after you) and I am telling my own self in my head to "shut up, you are being irrational". People joke about having conversations with themselves but I really do. I try to calm my crazy side down....talk some sense into myself. Now that is bipolar in all it's glory people!

If I feel that way in the grocery store can you imagine how I feel on Sunday Morning Service when they ask you to greet the people around you. I'd rather crawl under the pew. But I stand there with my very fake uncomfortable smile and shake people's hands. I wish they would rethink that part of the service! It is torture for me. Oh and what if someone said good morning how are you and I told them how I was really doing instead of the polite "oh I'm fine". They wouldn't come back to church. Hahahaha!! That's the only part of church I dislike, being forced to be sociable.

I have had this on my mind for awhile but have been to tired to get off the couch to blog. They have been changing my meds and I haven't been myself (which is good). I am not as angry and short-tempered and I'm not nearly as depressed as I was. I'm still not okay though. I can't explain how I feel other than I just feel here. I'm just here. I don't feel happy and I don't feel as depressed. Maybe I don't feel right now. Again....bipolar at it's finest. It's a roller coaster and you roll with the hills. Not knowing how you feel is normal, with us. I go to a therapist this coming week and back to the nurse the week after. We will see what they say. Most of the time they have no idea what they are talking about either. I love when the nurse told me to exercise cause I'll feel better. Telling a severely depressed person to go exercise is crazy. I barely get off the couch and you want me to go walking. RIGHT! I'm not that bad anymore though but I'm still not leaving the house. Paranoia has the best of me. I barely make it to church and basketball practice.

Anyway....just another day in my shoes for you. :)

I don't feel like it!

No, I am not lazy. I get in these funks where I don't feel like being around people or talking to people or listening to people talk. Everyone and everything gets on my nerves. I get on my own nerves. I am not a pleasant person to be around so I isolate. I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to be bothered, I am easily angered and un-centered (which auto correct is telling me that is not a word....un-centered). I don't know that I am ever centered but during this time I am definitely off. I am not happy, I'm not depressed, I am usually just angry and irritable.

I haven't felt like writing. Every time I have tried I have gotten aggravated with myself and deleted what I wrote. But I felt like I needed to write now because this is a part of who I am. Most people see it as I am just a mean person (usually use the B word :/ ) or I am some spoiled brat. I can be mean and I have been spoiled but that has nothing to do with these moods. The monster is a moody stupid disease. It is something medicine can't always control, no I can't just get over it, no I don't feel sorry for myself or want sympathy (in fact that gets on my nerves). This is a part of what I have to deal with. I do have triggers that bring on these moods. I feel overwhelmed lately, had a change in my medicine, Michael switching shifts, money beyond tight....it's not there and so this mood comes. It hangs around for awhile. I feel a total disconnect from God. I don't pray or read the Bible because that too aggravates me. Not the act in itself, it's because I can't get my thoughts together long enough to even say a prayer. UGH! I hate my brain. I will never forget Tom saying that when we can't pray the Holy Spirit goes to God for us and translates our groaning for us. I tell God I am sorry I can't pray, he knows my heart.

I hate that I have to deal with this. My brain is so much different than everyone else's and no one get it unless you deal with it. This mood I am in now feels like I am paralyzed. I am stuck in this rut and eventually I will feel better, so I know there is hope. I just have to ride the coaster, wait for the next hill. I wish God could take this away but then again to be normal without the racing thoughts and different moods I'm afraid I would become bored with life. Maybe I like being crazy. Oh goodness.

So, that is where I am right now. I just feel like WHATEVER. I don't care about anything right now and don't care to be bothered. But I am going to drag myself out of this house tonight to go to MOPS. I don't want to but I am going.

I sometimes wonder what all of you think when you read my blog. Some of you have sent me such encouraging messages and it's good to know I have opened the eyes of some of you and help you understand the disease. Then I wonder about those who judge me, whisper behind my back like a coward. If they do and are that self righteous than so be it. It is like talking about a person with cancer or downs syndrome. I have a disease that comes with a stigma. A stigma I hope to break.

Up and Down

Well, I started pretty down today. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to get dressed, I didn't want to put on make-up, I didn't want to go to the doctor. Now I'm ready to get out of the house and do something and have all kinds of energy. The ends and outs of the monster. From minute to minute sometimes you just don't know what life is going to be like.