Everything will be okay.....

For God's sake....no it won't. I get so fed up with hearing people say that or blog about that who have no idea what it means to be mentally ill. I'm not just depressed, I'm not just overly happy, I'm not just aggravated, I'm not just anxious, I'm not just going to get better. Sure, it may get better for a period of time but I will fight this monster for the rest of my stinking life. There are going to be more ups and down's and I have to deal with that. I am not like a "normal" person who is depressed or down in the dumps for a couple months. Those people are actually lucky they can take some prozac for a couple of months and then be okay...back to the old routine. This is an illness like diabetes, it is something for the rest of my life that has to be treated medically and if not it can kill me.

So, I read all these inspirational blogs and it gets under my skin because what about people like me? People who don't get better or do get better but in a couple of months go back to being not okay because things will never be completely stable for the rest of our lives. All this scripture is posted and all these encouraging words of hang on to God, with Christ all things are possible. All it does is make me feel like a failure because it's not that easy for me. So, do I not have the faith that it takes? I have faith but I also know reality. So is it different in God's eyes with a sick person? A person who loses all sense of self sometimes and does things that they shouldn't do or a person who goes so deep into depression they can't even get out of bed much less focus on a bible study. I guess sometimes I feel as if I can't live up to the expectations that are set for Christians all because I am different. I am ill, I can't just get over it or come out of it. I hate when people tell me that. They think "oh well if she would get out of the house, if she would pray, if she would have faith, if she would call someone". Who am I supposed to call? No one gets it. They judge instead and make assumptions about me and what I should do instead of trying to understand.

I guess I just wish I knew what God thought about this. He planned out my life for the good.....where is the good? What does He think when I get crazy and forget about Him, what does He think when I get so depressed I can't think about anything? I have yet to find an inspirational blog that get's what I go through and has some sort of answers. I don't have any.  It's not as simple as all these other blogs make it to be for people like me. It makes me jealous, wishing that it was that easy. I don't know......I guess I am just irritated.