All Aboard......

The Bipolar Coaster!!

I would first like to say how much I appreciate that you are reading my blog. Here I can be open and honest about my daily struggles being a Christian girl dealing with the monster. It's not easy!!

I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II since I was about 13 years old. Three years ago or so I rededicated my life back to Christ. So being a Christian who deals with bipolar disorder is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with and I've been through a lot.

Here's a little background:

I am a recovering addict. Ya see I was diagnosed at 13 only because I was seeing a therapist for being sexually abused. I started drinking and using drugs at 13 to cope with being abused. It wasn't until I was 25, married with a child, that I decided I needed to straighten myself up. I went to detox. I have been clean now for three years and have been blessed with another child, a little girl this time. It wasn't until I got clean that I had to deal with the monster again. I had covered him up for years medicating with drugs. Now that I was clean, here he came creeping up my back again. So, most recently I have been taking my illness seriously and trying to get past the stigma, the embarrassment, the shame I feel for having a disorder. Why do I feel this way? Cause of the stigma of course. If you are bipolar most people deem you as crazy. Yes I am a little crazy and can be really crazy at times but there is more to me than the bipolar disorder, a lot more. I hope that this blog will open the eyes of my friends and family, that they will be able to see through my writing what I deal with everyday.

As for me being a Christian girl. Let me put this out there......I AM NOT PERFECT. I am a sinner just like the rest of you and yes I probably sin a lot more than others because of the monster. Sometimes he gets completely out of control and I can't save myself, I do stupid stuff, say stupid things, hurt the one's I love and fail God completely. With that being said, please no judgement. I am being judged and I know the mistakes I make, all my shortcomings, my flaws and my craziness and there is no need to point it out or hold it against me. When people point out my flaws, sins and shortcomings it makes me withdraw that much more. I know how stupid I can be so lets leave it at that. I want this to be my safe place and if you aren't ready for my truth and antics then I suggest you check in at another time.

Oh and one more thing.....I am NOT blaming bipolar disorder for all of my actions. I take full responsibility for all the things I have done and will do.  The monster on my back is 90% to blame, let me explain. I am either manic, hypo-manic or depressed. If you don't know what that means go look it up real quick. I cycle through all three but mostly stay either hypo or depressed. There is hardly EVER a middle ground where I am "normal". So that other 10% is my middle ground, where I am Ashlee and not Manic Ashlee or Hypo Ashlee or Depressed Ashlee. You are about to get on my roller coaster, inside the head of a bipolar person, a very honest look into my deepest thoughts and feelings. You may not understand, you may think "my goodness she is crazy", you may think "she's a Christian?", you may think "what is she thinking". I expect that and it's okay, you won't always understand because no one "gets" bipolar except the bipolar. We CAN'T control all of it, we spin out of control and sometimes we are just as normal as you might be. What you need to understand is I can be four different people inside this one body I have. So get ready.....get set.....lets go!