I'm just gonna get right down to it partly because it is such a great moment for me and I can't wait to tell about it and partly because I am so tired from working out at the YMCA this morning. :)
I am a sensitive person. Sensitive in many ways. I am very sensitive to love (until it becomes damaged), my feelings are easily hurt, my heart breaks easily and I am easy to anger. I think the anger may stem from the inability to show when I am hurt (AH-HA). I have the ability of course but the reluctance to show emotions. I don't know how to sift through all of these emotions I have to get to the root of what is really bothering me. Maybe I don't take the time to sift through. My first emotion is always anger. Why? Today I got a little upset/angry with someone in my life and when I sat down to think about it I realized that my feelings were hurt. I wasn't angry. I have a hard time showing any other emotion other than anger because all the other emotions show my vulnerability. Me be vulnerable? I don't think so. I'm tough and nothing can hurt me. I shake it off, whatever 'it' is.
I guess that I may have been stuffing down all these emotions for so long that I have just now realized that I am sensitive and it's okay that I am sensitive. I don't have to be the tough guy. Another thing I realized is people with Bipolar Disorder tend to be more sensitive compared to healthy people. And the puzzle pieces come together. I am Bipolar and I am a very sensitive person and they go hand in hand!
Now I am thinking of all the things that have hurt me that I have been unable to admit to because I don't like to show vulnerability. I have stuffed all this stuff down, all this hurtful stuff, and now here I sit sorting through the mess. Instead of allowing myself to feel that hurt and resolve that hurt I would get angry or I would avoid the situation or person. If I would have let myself cry in front of a person who hurt me and not put on the tough guy facade or if I would have said you hurt my feelings things could be so much different now. When did I learn or start hiding how I really feel? When did it become not okay for me to share my feelings? What was it that told me that it isn't okay to be who I am or feel what I feel?
I said in an earlier post that it's okay for me to be different. It's also okay for me to be me. It's okay that I feel what I feel. Somewhere before I have been scolded for being me, feeling what I feel and saying what I say. Maybe that is why when people "point out my flaws" I feel as if I am being scolded for being who I am. Another AH-HA moment for me folks! I'm on a roll!!
I need to let my brain rest for now. The YMCA drained me!
I want to share with you a dream I had last night. I feel this is about you because I read your blog last night. In my dream I saw a man talking but I couldn't hear what he says. All I could hear is a woman crying in the background(I feel the woman crying is you). And as the man was talking, his face changed to a shadow, then I noticed the teeth in his mouth became like fangs of a snake. Afterwards, I saw a young child with a whip beating the air and I could feel the whip hit my skin. I interpret the dream as: you feel hurt by the words people speak against you but you should know that these hurtful words originate from the enemy (the snake). You can look up the verse related to it in the bible: Ephesians 6:12
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DeleteI just re-read this Janez and what a beautiful way of putting things. I need to learn to let the hurt go. I will be attacked, right! We all will. Thank you for the reminder!
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