M.I.A

I've never been very good at keeping a commitment. I've quit college, relationships and jobs. To keep writing is going to be a challenge for me. I was going to write yesterday or the day before but I didn't feel like it and now I have forgotten what I was going to write about. I'm here today, writing.

I've been moody a lot lately. I don't know what (if anything) triggers these moods. I was fine and finally feeling stable and then BAM out of nowhere I start spiraling again. I'm angry and hateful again and do not want to be around people. Some of the anger is justifiable and maybe some of the trigger is because of some issues in married life these days. I get angry even thinking about those issues. I'm left to stew in those issues alone because my feelings aren't considered. ANYWAY.....

I hate that I am always going to be bipolar. I never can enjoy normal for too long obviously. I thought this time the medicine combination was right and I was going to be better and stable only to feel like this again. I just want some relief and happiness. Peace of mind would be wonderful! I don't get that luxury that mentally healthy people get. I'm just tired and need a break but I can't run away from myself and that is what I need, a vacation away from myself.

Along with the moods swings I have been having I also feel like I am living in a fog. It is so hard to explain but I feel like my body is going through the motions and my brain can't catch up to what is going on. I can't focus. I am not able to concentrate on anything. That is probably why my house has been a mess. When I can't focus or concentrate I get overwhelmed easily and everything is too much. This fog has been terrible. I feel like I am living in my own little world and lose track of time easily. I've never felt this weird before.

Time is slipping away again and I can't concentrate to write anymore today. Hopefully tomorrow is better.