A manic episode goes like this-period of time where an elevated, expansive or notably irritable mood is present, lasting for at least one week.
- Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
- Decreased need for sleep (e.g., one feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
- More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
- Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
- Attention is easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant items
- Increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
- Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)
- http://psychcentral.com
Grandiosity, what a awesome word, I am embarrassed to say I suffer from during hypo. I am the most beautiful, intelligent, don't need anyone, have the best idea's, can fix the world kinda thinking. So, pretty much I think I am the best of the best and there isn't anyone who is going to top me. No one could even dare compare to me and who I am. You'll never find anyone better than me. Oh and I love attention, the more attention you give me the higher I get. It's a sense of euphoria, like I am on top of the world and no one can bring me down. I am the best worker (literally) that you could ever ask for. I could complete 10 tasks to everyone else's 1. No one can move fast enough for me, I am always on the go go go. My mind races ten thousand times a minute thinking about nothing at all really. Sometimes a horrible flashback will sneak in but mostly I think about nothing at all. Can you imagine? Oh and the foolish behavior, *sigh*. I hate being called out on my behavior and when I get called out I just get worse! When I am in this phase I LOVE to party, go to bars, get drunk and chill with friends. Are you asking yourself, "Isn't she supposed to be a Christian"? It's okay, I ask myself that.
I fall short of the glory of God daily but when I am in Hypo mode I fall flat on my face. Two years ago I was Manic, maybe extremely Hypo. It was the worse episode that I had ever had. I never came home, I was getting drunk 24-7, hanging out with people I shouldn't have been hanging out with, doing things I shouldn't have been doing, not sleeping, not eating and having a fanTastic time. It was the monster folks, not me. I couldn't control it, my husband couldn't nor my family. I was gonna do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it because I had it like that. I was on top of the world, no one could bring me down and God help them if they tried. It's that whole grandiosity thing. When you are in an episode all of reality is gone but you don't know that. It's almost like you are psychotic because the way you are living IS reality (to you). We can't see past the monster to see that what we are doing, how we are acting and the things we are saying ISN'T reality. Do you get it? When we are in that state we can't tell the difference between our reality and real reality. We think we are being us, this is how we are, we are just happy and feel good. That happy good feeling is my sin! I fall short every time but at the time "that's the real Ashlee". See what I mean.
I know you have to be thinking, "can't she control it"? I cannot control the Mania. Once it gets so far out of hand there is no looking back, it is no longer Ashlee in my body but the monster. When I am Hypo there is also little control but it can be brought to my attention easier that I am slipping into Mania. That doesn't mean that I will listen because usually if you bring things (like my flaws) to my attention I will rebel. I'll show you kinda attitude. People don't have to tell me, I know when I am slipping into an episode and when they TELL me it makes me angry and I withdraw. The only one that can point it out and I'm okay with pointing it out is my husband. It still makes me a little angry but he does it differently than everyone else. He doesn't look down on me or condemn me or show disappointment on his face like the rest of my family because he "gets it". No one else "gets it".
Once the Mania has ran it's course, down....down....down we go into the deep dark ugly place that consumes me. Depression. I hate you depression! I LOVE being manic, every bipolar person loves to be manic. It's fun, makes you a fun person, you have all kinds of energy, work hard, get things done and feel like a teenager again. Remember, you are on my bipolar-coaster. When you start off on a roller-coaster you go slow and steady up a big, giant hill. Tick, Tick, Tick (hypo-mania to mania). Once you get to the top and look around there is no greater feeling you are on top of the world and then WHOOOSH. You plummet to the bottom fast. That is how this disorder works. It's a slow climb to the top and then bam, you go over the hill and have crashed into a God awful depression. This summer was the worse depression I have EVER experienced and like I said before, should have been hospitalized.
So, that's a little bit of my falling from Grace ever so often because of this stupid monster I battle on a daily basis. I hate when people say, "she is supposed to be a Christian". Let me tell you, I love God and he knows my heart, he knows my struggles, he knows my pain, he has counted every hair on my head (which is a lot by the way) and I am a Christian but I am a sinner just like you. I have a relationship with my Father and he would never turn His back on His child. Daddy's (real one's) don't do that. It's called Grace.
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