Spirit vs. Flesh is a hard reality for me to live out depending on episode. I am no Bible scholar here by any means but I have a pretty good understanding of the word. When I say Spirit vs. Flesh I mean that daily we are to die to ourselves and pick up our cross and live in the Spirit living out God's will. That means my wants, my needs, my selfishness, my anger and whatever else lives inside of me I need to give to God and let Him help me through those things so that I can move on and do His will. This life isn't about me. Romans 8:5-7 Those who live according to the flesh have their minds set on what the flesh desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires. 6 The mind governed by the flesh is death, but the mind governed by the Spirit is life and peace. 7 The mind governed by the flesh is hostile to God; it does not submit to Gods law, nor can it do so.
I have recently wondered how a person like me, with bipolar disorder, can live like this. I don't know sometimes day to day who I might wake up and be. I may be in a manic phase where EVERYTHING is about me and all I look at is Earthly things. All I want are Earthly things that will please me. My mind is governed by the flesh. I can say this, while my mind is governed by the flesh it does feel like death, I am hostile and not submissive to God or anyone else in my life. It is a constant battle with my mind and the Spirit and until I come down from that mania I live a destructive life. I do not live the way a Christian should, I am the most poor example of what a Christian should be and do things that are unthinkable to most Christians. I fall again and again but I get back up and receive the mercy, grace and forgiveness that God gives all His children.
I know that the Christian Community is going to say, "what about self-control, the fruits of the Spirit?". All I can say is I don't know what to say about it. I lose all self-control when it comes to an episode. Medically speaking I cannot help it, if I could it wouldn't be a disorder I suppose. I want so much to control it, get out of it, away from it and I can't. Then the community will say something like, "with God all things are possible". Absolutely! I know I say "can't" a lot. When I am in an episode I am not myself and can't get out of the episode and can't run away from it. It is like a tornado. The storm is coming in the distance. You see the darkness miles away and eventually the storm is right over your house but before you know it a tornado appears and I, the "normal" me, am standing in the eye of the beast watching in snap shots all the disaster around me I am causing. All the chaos I am responsible for I see but I am in the eye of the beast and there isn't a thing I can do about it until the storm lifts. Then there I am like all the Oklahoma folks coming out of shelter to open the doors to see all the damage, putting the snap shots together, to see what's left and who is left standing.
Does God stop tornado's? He could if it was in His will. Does God stop my disorder and heal me? He could but doesn't. Instead He uses me in all my brokenness to do this. To reach out to others who suffer and remind them that when we are the eye of the storm and have lost all control God is still in control. He still loves us, He isn't mad at us, He has plenty enough Grace, Love and Forgiveness to go around when we go to Him and repent. He knows our hearts, He knows our disease and He waits patiently for the storm to pass. Try and learn from the last storm and move on along the narrow road and try again.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSIVjjY8Ou8
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
Sunday, September 1, 2013
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
AH-HA Moment!
I'm just gonna get right down to it partly because it is such a great moment for me and I can't wait to tell about it and partly because I am so tired from working out at the YMCA this morning. :)
I am a sensitive person. Sensitive in many ways. I am very sensitive to love (until it becomes damaged), my feelings are easily hurt, my heart breaks easily and I am easy to anger. I think the anger may stem from the inability to show when I am hurt (AH-HA). I have the ability of course but the reluctance to show emotions. I don't know how to sift through all of these emotions I have to get to the root of what is really bothering me. Maybe I don't take the time to sift through. My first emotion is always anger. Why? Today I got a little upset/angry with someone in my life and when I sat down to think about it I realized that my feelings were hurt. I wasn't angry. I have a hard time showing any other emotion other than anger because all the other emotions show my vulnerability. Me be vulnerable? I don't think so. I'm tough and nothing can hurt me. I shake it off, whatever 'it' is.
I guess that I may have been stuffing down all these emotions for so long that I have just now realized that I am sensitive and it's okay that I am sensitive. I don't have to be the tough guy. Another thing I realized is people with Bipolar Disorder tend to be more sensitive compared to healthy people. And the puzzle pieces come together. I am Bipolar and I am a very sensitive person and they go hand in hand!
Now I am thinking of all the things that have hurt me that I have been unable to admit to because I don't like to show vulnerability. I have stuffed all this stuff down, all this hurtful stuff, and now here I sit sorting through the mess. Instead of allowing myself to feel that hurt and resolve that hurt I would get angry or I would avoid the situation or person. If I would have let myself cry in front of a person who hurt me and not put on the tough guy facade or if I would have said you hurt my feelings things could be so much different now. When did I learn or start hiding how I really feel? When did it become not okay for me to share my feelings? What was it that told me that it isn't okay to be who I am or feel what I feel?
I said in an earlier post that it's okay for me to be different. It's also okay for me to be me. It's okay that I feel what I feel. Somewhere before I have been scolded for being me, feeling what I feel and saying what I say. Maybe that is why when people "point out my flaws" I feel as if I am being scolded for being who I am. Another AH-HA moment for me folks! I'm on a roll!!
I need to let my brain rest for now. The YMCA drained me!
I am a sensitive person. Sensitive in many ways. I am very sensitive to love (until it becomes damaged), my feelings are easily hurt, my heart breaks easily and I am easy to anger. I think the anger may stem from the inability to show when I am hurt (AH-HA). I have the ability of course but the reluctance to show emotions. I don't know how to sift through all of these emotions I have to get to the root of what is really bothering me. Maybe I don't take the time to sift through. My first emotion is always anger. Why? Today I got a little upset/angry with someone in my life and when I sat down to think about it I realized that my feelings were hurt. I wasn't angry. I have a hard time showing any other emotion other than anger because all the other emotions show my vulnerability. Me be vulnerable? I don't think so. I'm tough and nothing can hurt me. I shake it off, whatever 'it' is.
I guess that I may have been stuffing down all these emotions for so long that I have just now realized that I am sensitive and it's okay that I am sensitive. I don't have to be the tough guy. Another thing I realized is people with Bipolar Disorder tend to be more sensitive compared to healthy people. And the puzzle pieces come together. I am Bipolar and I am a very sensitive person and they go hand in hand!
Now I am thinking of all the things that have hurt me that I have been unable to admit to because I don't like to show vulnerability. I have stuffed all this stuff down, all this hurtful stuff, and now here I sit sorting through the mess. Instead of allowing myself to feel that hurt and resolve that hurt I would get angry or I would avoid the situation or person. If I would have let myself cry in front of a person who hurt me and not put on the tough guy facade or if I would have said you hurt my feelings things could be so much different now. When did I learn or start hiding how I really feel? When did it become not okay for me to share my feelings? What was it that told me that it isn't okay to be who I am or feel what I feel?
I said in an earlier post that it's okay for me to be different. It's also okay for me to be me. It's okay that I feel what I feel. Somewhere before I have been scolded for being me, feeling what I feel and saying what I say. Maybe that is why when people "point out my flaws" I feel as if I am being scolded for being who I am. Another AH-HA moment for me folks! I'm on a roll!!
I need to let my brain rest for now. The YMCA drained me!
Monday, March 18, 2013
Livin' on the Edge
My poor husband lives on the edge:
Proverbs 25:24
24 Better to live on a corner of the roof
than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
The edge of the corner of the roof this man lives! I read this scripture and I thought, what about me? I am different. I am a Christian but I am a Christian with Bipolar Disorder. I don't always function the way a healthy person would function. I get irritable and agitated and then lose my temper. I myself am always on an edge that is easy to fall over. So to say that I am quarrelsome is an understatement. I get mean, hateful, angry, out of control, degrading and hurtful when I've had a Bipolar day, week, month. I say some very hurtful and negative things to the people I love but my husband gets the wrath. He has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. He has put up with my anger, rages, hurtful outbursts. He frequently says that he is walking on egg shells. Indeed he is. I couldn't live with me and I don't know how he lives with me. Would he at times rather live on the corner of the roof? If I had to answer for him it would be a resounding YES!
I hate the guilt I feel because I feel like I can never live up to God's expectations of what I should be. There are these guidelines so to say for living a life for Christ. I know that your everyday person falls short of the glory of God daily but I fall even shorter. So, I am reading this verse and all I can think is I am different. I can't control the anger or rage sometimes. I can't stop the mood I am in. I get so angry that I could easily hurt someone a lot of the times. Yet I am supposed to have the fruit of the spirit and be a Proverbs 31 woman. I am supposed to be a reflection of Christ. I feel so guilty because I can't be those things. The monster on my back will not allow me to be the woman of Christ I so long to be.
Before you think or say with Christ all things are possible and he is the healer let me say this. I am so tired of people saying that. Do they not think that I don't think of that same verse? I wrestle with this myself. You must remember I have a mental illness. A mental illness that requires me to take medication for the rest of my life to keep me alive. I can't live a life like a healthy person can. I often wonder what God thinks about me and this illness. I wonder if the illness is taken into consideration. I'm trying to compare it to another illness and Downs Syndrome keeps coming to the forefront. I don't see a someone telling a person with Downs Syndrome that with Christ all things are possible and he can heal you. A miracle could happen and I am not saying that it couldn't. I am not saying that if it's in God's will that he couldn't do it because I know that he could. All I am trying to say is I think that because my illness is invisible it is easier to say that God can and will heal me. I don't look sick and so it is easy to throw around those Christian cliches.
There are all these blogs that I follow and most of them are christian moms. They have all this inspirational stuff to say and inspirational stories but I have yet to see a Christian blog that also deals with mental illness. I feel so alone and isolated. I don't know how God see's me or a mental illness because I don't know anyone else who is talking about it. You don't know my struggle until you have walked the path I walk. I would love to see other Christian blogs that also talk about mental illness. A lot of times I read these blogs and I feel sad afterwards because I can't be like them. I try and I try but I can't hold it together like a healthy person can.
I guess I do know this, God covers me in Grace and Mercy and he loves me unconditionally. Maybe that's enough, maybe that is all I need to know? I don't know. I do know I don't want to mess up like I do and I do everything I can to try and control the monster on my back. I can't always. I wonder if God understands since it's an illness?
Proverbs 25:24
24 Better to live on a corner of the roof
than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.
The edge of the corner of the roof this man lives! I read this scripture and I thought, what about me? I am different. I am a Christian but I am a Christian with Bipolar Disorder. I don't always function the way a healthy person would function. I get irritable and agitated and then lose my temper. I myself am always on an edge that is easy to fall over. So to say that I am quarrelsome is an understatement. I get mean, hateful, angry, out of control, degrading and hurtful when I've had a Bipolar day, week, month. I say some very hurtful and negative things to the people I love but my husband gets the wrath. He has seen the good, the bad and the ugly. He has put up with my anger, rages, hurtful outbursts. He frequently says that he is walking on egg shells. Indeed he is. I couldn't live with me and I don't know how he lives with me. Would he at times rather live on the corner of the roof? If I had to answer for him it would be a resounding YES!
I hate the guilt I feel because I feel like I can never live up to God's expectations of what I should be. There are these guidelines so to say for living a life for Christ. I know that your everyday person falls short of the glory of God daily but I fall even shorter. So, I am reading this verse and all I can think is I am different. I can't control the anger or rage sometimes. I can't stop the mood I am in. I get so angry that I could easily hurt someone a lot of the times. Yet I am supposed to have the fruit of the spirit and be a Proverbs 31 woman. I am supposed to be a reflection of Christ. I feel so guilty because I can't be those things. The monster on my back will not allow me to be the woman of Christ I so long to be.
Before you think or say with Christ all things are possible and he is the healer let me say this. I am so tired of people saying that. Do they not think that I don't think of that same verse? I wrestle with this myself. You must remember I have a mental illness. A mental illness that requires me to take medication for the rest of my life to keep me alive. I can't live a life like a healthy person can. I often wonder what God thinks about me and this illness. I wonder if the illness is taken into consideration. I'm trying to compare it to another illness and Downs Syndrome keeps coming to the forefront. I don't see a someone telling a person with Downs Syndrome that with Christ all things are possible and he can heal you. A miracle could happen and I am not saying that it couldn't. I am not saying that if it's in God's will that he couldn't do it because I know that he could. All I am trying to say is I think that because my illness is invisible it is easier to say that God can and will heal me. I don't look sick and so it is easy to throw around those Christian cliches.
There are all these blogs that I follow and most of them are christian moms. They have all this inspirational stuff to say and inspirational stories but I have yet to see a Christian blog that also deals with mental illness. I feel so alone and isolated. I don't know how God see's me or a mental illness because I don't know anyone else who is talking about it. You don't know my struggle until you have walked the path I walk. I would love to see other Christian blogs that also talk about mental illness. A lot of times I read these blogs and I feel sad afterwards because I can't be like them. I try and I try but I can't hold it together like a healthy person can.
I guess I do know this, God covers me in Grace and Mercy and he loves me unconditionally. Maybe that's enough, maybe that is all I need to know? I don't know. I do know I don't want to mess up like I do and I do everything I can to try and control the monster on my back. I can't always. I wonder if God understands since it's an illness?
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
M.I.A
I've never been very good at keeping a commitment. I've quit college, relationships and jobs. To keep writing is going to be a challenge for me. I was going to write yesterday or the day before but I didn't feel like it and now I have forgotten what I was going to write about. I'm here today, writing.
I've been moody a lot lately. I don't know what (if anything) triggers these moods. I was fine and finally feeling stable and then BAM out of nowhere I start spiraling again. I'm angry and hateful again and do not want to be around people. Some of the anger is justifiable and maybe some of the trigger is because of some issues in married life these days. I get angry even thinking about those issues. I'm left to stew in those issues alone because my feelings aren't considered. ANYWAY.....
I hate that I am always going to be bipolar. I never can enjoy normal for too long obviously. I thought this time the medicine combination was right and I was going to be better and stable only to feel like this again. I just want some relief and happiness. Peace of mind would be wonderful! I don't get that luxury that mentally healthy people get. I'm just tired and need a break but I can't run away from myself and that is what I need, a vacation away from myself.
Along with the moods swings I have been having I also feel like I am living in a fog. It is so hard to explain but I feel like my body is going through the motions and my brain can't catch up to what is going on. I can't focus. I am not able to concentrate on anything. That is probably why my house has been a mess. When I can't focus or concentrate I get overwhelmed easily and everything is too much. This fog has been terrible. I feel like I am living in my own little world and lose track of time easily. I've never felt this weird before.
Time is slipping away again and I can't concentrate to write anymore today. Hopefully tomorrow is better.
I've been moody a lot lately. I don't know what (if anything) triggers these moods. I was fine and finally feeling stable and then BAM out of nowhere I start spiraling again. I'm angry and hateful again and do not want to be around people. Some of the anger is justifiable and maybe some of the trigger is because of some issues in married life these days. I get angry even thinking about those issues. I'm left to stew in those issues alone because my feelings aren't considered. ANYWAY.....
I hate that I am always going to be bipolar. I never can enjoy normal for too long obviously. I thought this time the medicine combination was right and I was going to be better and stable only to feel like this again. I just want some relief and happiness. Peace of mind would be wonderful! I don't get that luxury that mentally healthy people get. I'm just tired and need a break but I can't run away from myself and that is what I need, a vacation away from myself.
Along with the moods swings I have been having I also feel like I am living in a fog. It is so hard to explain but I feel like my body is going through the motions and my brain can't catch up to what is going on. I can't focus. I am not able to concentrate on anything. That is probably why my house has been a mess. When I can't focus or concentrate I get overwhelmed easily and everything is too much. This fog has been terrible. I feel like I am living in my own little world and lose track of time easily. I've never felt this weird before.
Time is slipping away again and I can't concentrate to write anymore today. Hopefully tomorrow is better.
Thursday, February 14, 2013
Stuck
I hate getting stuck in my head. Yesterday was a bad day. I have gained so much weight from last summer being so depressed and now this new medicine has helped pack on a few extra pounds. None of my clothes fit and so when I squeeze into my pants I feel terrible! All day all I can do is think about how fat I am, how gross I look, what a failure I am and how embarrassed I am. These thoughts don't just circle my mind once but time and time again. It is like a bad song on repeat.
My anxiety was up and irritability was through the roof. The thoughts never stop. I am stuck there in my head beating myself up. What good does that do? It only makes me feel worse but I can't be comfortable with who I have become. I can't help the thoughts. Once they are there I can't get rid of them. I sometimes feel like I am going crazy.
Today is another day. Today is a little better. I am a little more hopeful. Life is looking up and I have faith that God is going to pull my family through all that is going on, including my weight issues. I can do it with strength from God if I don't lose faith and focus.
My anxiety was up and irritability was through the roof. The thoughts never stop. I am stuck there in my head beating myself up. What good does that do? It only makes me feel worse but I can't be comfortable with who I have become. I can't help the thoughts. Once they are there I can't get rid of them. I sometimes feel like I am going crazy.
Today is another day. Today is a little better. I am a little more hopeful. Life is looking up and I have faith that God is going to pull my family through all that is going on, including my weight issues. I can do it with strength from God if I don't lose faith and focus.
Tuesday, February 12, 2013
Invisible
My life group on Sunday at church has started a new study on worry. We are all in deep discussion about how worry and anxiety to some may show a lack of faith in God. On a manic day I would probably agree but on a depressed day I would refuted until I was blue in the face. I am stable now so I sat there in my own head thinking. We are so quick to judge. I see all these posts on Facebook about the invisible illness. You never know who may be suffering with a mental illness because it is an invisible illness. I myself have shared them to try and spread the awareness in hopes that people will start to think before they start judging so quickly. You never know what a person may be suffering with. I'm guilty of this and I suffer! To say that one has a lack of faith because they worry or have anxiety about situations is an unfair assumption because you don't know what that person is dealing with.
There was a time when no one knew I had a mental illness and I too have been judged on occasion! Everyone had an opinion about me. Like the first time I went to a church group and later down the road one of my friends said, "well they all thought you were a bitch". Wow! A church group?
I wonder if they took the time to think before they so quickly judged. So because I don't talk much in unfamiliar situations, because I am shy, because I am socially awkward, because I have a little bit of social anxiety and because I have bipolar disorder and DIFFERENT from them they are quick to judge. They didn't know what that difference was of course and obviously didn't take the time to think about it before coming to their conclusions. They just whispered behind my back like cowards. Gossiping. I hate gossip and I hate when someone wants to talk about others behind there back.
Anyway, back to the original topic. We are in my life group and worrying is a sign of lack of faith to some. I can completely see where people can think of it that way. Maybe sometimes that is the fact. They need to have faith in God to pull them through their worries. I was happy to hear one of the people in the group point out that there are those who have a mental illness and can't help the worry or anxiety. Praise God! People are starting to think before making assumptions. This matters to me because of what happened in that church group where some of the girls thought I was a bitch before taking a step back and thinking. I wish more people would start thinking about what the other person may be going through or dealing with before they label them with lack of faith or otherwise.
I am not like everyone else. My brain fires differently than the healthy person's brain fires. I sometimes do and say things that healthy people wouldn't say. My moods can only be partially controlled by a mood stabilizer, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medication. I say partially controlled because even with those medications, everyday for the rest of my life, I am still ill. They don't have chemo for my illness. It is here and it is here to stay. So, I may not act like a normal person. I may say things that normal people wouldn't say. I may do things that normal people wouldn't do. I will get depressed beyond what a normal person calls depression. There is no light at the end of my tunnel. I can't get off the couch. I can't pray. I don't want to go on living. Someone may have it worse but I am right there on their heels. I will get manic. I will think I am the best thing going, that I have the best idea's, that I am the most beautiful woman in the world, that I am better than you and do things that are unthinkable for a Christian girl to be doing (we won't go there). And that's medicated folks!
There is almost nothing that I hate more than for someone to throw out the cliches to me. I want to strangle them. Things like....there is a light at the end of the tunnel, just pray, I'll pray for you, someone always has it worse than you, look on the bright side and look at what you have been blessed with.
Anyway. I wasn't upset in my life group when worry being a lack of faith was being discussed. I was stuck in my head thinking, do I have a lack of faith and am I not a good enough Christian? Then mental illness was brought into the discussion and brought me back to my reality. I don't have a lack of faith and I am good enough. God knows better than anyone what He has given me and He knows that I do my very best at my worse. God spoke so loudly to me on Sunday and I am so thankful to have been in there. God reassured me that I am His child and I am good enough through all my worry and anxiety because he knows I am ill. God worked through people in my life group that day and I am thankful to God and to those people who were there Sunday.
Now with all of this being said. I am struggling in my head whether or not I should share this on Facebook because it doesn't necessarily shed a good light on the church. Here is the thing, the church is a body of people not a building. Where you have a body of people you will have tons of differences. That body of people all happen to be sinners. Things are going to be said and you take it with a grain of salt. Some things can be very hurtful and I hope to bring awareness with this post. With my blog post today it was important to talk about my experience. It's mine after all. But if we are being honest here, and I am, in every church there are these situations like mine where I was judged so quickly and labeled. We are all human, we are all sinners and just because people go to Church doesn't mean they are perfect. We are supposed to be different from the rest of the world and be Christ-like. People have high expectations of church goers (I guess STIGMA is everywhere). That we are perfect people or something. Maybe that is what some try and portray but not I! I am in no way trying to shed a bad light on the church, I am shedding an honest light. My experience that will hopefully help someone else. Some things may be better left unsaid to some. To me I don't leave to many things unsaid. I guess if I am writing a book I might as well post it on Facebook.
There was a time when no one knew I had a mental illness and I too have been judged on occasion! Everyone had an opinion about me. Like the first time I went to a church group and later down the road one of my friends said, "well they all thought you were a bitch". Wow! A church group?
I wonder if they took the time to think before they so quickly judged. So because I don't talk much in unfamiliar situations, because I am shy, because I am socially awkward, because I have a little bit of social anxiety and because I have bipolar disorder and DIFFERENT from them they are quick to judge. They didn't know what that difference was of course and obviously didn't take the time to think about it before coming to their conclusions. They just whispered behind my back like cowards. Gossiping. I hate gossip and I hate when someone wants to talk about others behind there back.
Anyway, back to the original topic. We are in my life group and worrying is a sign of lack of faith to some. I can completely see where people can think of it that way. Maybe sometimes that is the fact. They need to have faith in God to pull them through their worries. I was happy to hear one of the people in the group point out that there are those who have a mental illness and can't help the worry or anxiety. Praise God! People are starting to think before making assumptions. This matters to me because of what happened in that church group where some of the girls thought I was a bitch before taking a step back and thinking. I wish more people would start thinking about what the other person may be going through or dealing with before they label them with lack of faith or otherwise.
I am not like everyone else. My brain fires differently than the healthy person's brain fires. I sometimes do and say things that healthy people wouldn't say. My moods can only be partially controlled by a mood stabilizer, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medication. I say partially controlled because even with those medications, everyday for the rest of my life, I am still ill. They don't have chemo for my illness. It is here and it is here to stay. So, I may not act like a normal person. I may say things that normal people wouldn't say. I may do things that normal people wouldn't do. I will get depressed beyond what a normal person calls depression. There is no light at the end of my tunnel. I can't get off the couch. I can't pray. I don't want to go on living. Someone may have it worse but I am right there on their heels. I will get manic. I will think I am the best thing going, that I have the best idea's, that I am the most beautiful woman in the world, that I am better than you and do things that are unthinkable for a Christian girl to be doing (we won't go there). And that's medicated folks!
There is almost nothing that I hate more than for someone to throw out the cliches to me. I want to strangle them. Things like....there is a light at the end of the tunnel, just pray, I'll pray for you, someone always has it worse than you, look on the bright side and look at what you have been blessed with.
Anyway. I wasn't upset in my life group when worry being a lack of faith was being discussed. I was stuck in my head thinking, do I have a lack of faith and am I not a good enough Christian? Then mental illness was brought into the discussion and brought me back to my reality. I don't have a lack of faith and I am good enough. God knows better than anyone what He has given me and He knows that I do my very best at my worse. God spoke so loudly to me on Sunday and I am so thankful to have been in there. God reassured me that I am His child and I am good enough through all my worry and anxiety because he knows I am ill. God worked through people in my life group that day and I am thankful to God and to those people who were there Sunday.
Now with all of this being said. I am struggling in my head whether or not I should share this on Facebook because it doesn't necessarily shed a good light on the church. Here is the thing, the church is a body of people not a building. Where you have a body of people you will have tons of differences. That body of people all happen to be sinners. Things are going to be said and you take it with a grain of salt. Some things can be very hurtful and I hope to bring awareness with this post. With my blog post today it was important to talk about my experience. It's mine after all. But if we are being honest here, and I am, in every church there are these situations like mine where I was judged so quickly and labeled. We are all human, we are all sinners and just because people go to Church doesn't mean they are perfect. We are supposed to be different from the rest of the world and be Christ-like. People have high expectations of church goers (I guess STIGMA is everywhere). That we are perfect people or something. Maybe that is what some try and portray but not I! I am in no way trying to shed a bad light on the church, I am shedding an honest light. My experience that will hopefully help someone else. Some things may be better left unsaid to some. To me I don't leave to many things unsaid. I guess if I am writing a book I might as well post it on Facebook.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Could this be.....
Stability? I haven't known stability in so long I don't know how it feels. To my family I am either depressed or manic. Any emotion at all is blamed on the monster. For instance, if I want to do something out of the norm for me then I am manic. If I don't want to be around people for whatever reason then I am depressed. That is not always the case. I am still trying to find out who Ashlee is because I am unfamiliar with a stable me. I honestly don't know what stability looks like for me.
I can remember back in a happier time in my life (WOW eleven years ago) when I was around the age of sixteen or seventeen. The circumstance I was under around that time were not good circumstances yet when I think back for the most part I was happy. I can remember loving life, loving the people around me, having good times and feeling joy. Despite the circumstances, which were horrible, I had joy. It is hard for me to distinguish if I was hypo-manic during those times, manic or just me because who is "me"? Was I ever stable? I have ALWAYS been crazy, out going, loud, center of attention, the party has arrived girl. Was that manic me or is that my personality? Inside I feel like that girl. The girl who says things that are better left unsaid, the girl who on a whim takes off to Tennessee just to go, the girl who up and packs up for a weekend to go camping on a whim, the girl who loves loud music and dancing, the girl who doesn't take any crap from anyone, the girl who will call you out and embarrass all her friends around her and the girl that may moon you going down the interstate.
That girl that I just described is the girl I always remember and is there something really wrong with that girl? Yea, I may say things out of the way, I may make a situation uncomfortable for other people, I may take off and just get away, I may go to a bar and get my dance on but when I am that girl I get pegged as manic. In my book that isn't manic.
You see, when I was growing up I had a lot of fun. I remember on the spur of the moment we would go camping, go to Florida, ride down an old country road just because. I remember being on the interstate and people mooning each other and messing with the truckers. I remember messing with people just to mess with them. I remember doing a lot of things that I shouldn't have been doing. I was always a rebel. That's not manic, right? We would do silly things out in public just to embarrass each other. We were just a crazy group of people who didn't care who was watching or what people thought because we were having a good time. That girl is still there. I really like that girl. Heavens forbid she creeps out and I am labeled manic.
I'm pretty sure that a lot of my "craziness" is from how I was raised and not a manic episode. I do go overboard and I do get manic! But if I am the least little bit happy and want to have a good time or do something spur of the moment I am manic. It is hard to deal with because I am ALWAYS labeled. I am never just me. When I am being labeled by a loved one and NOT in an episode it kills my self-esteem. It makes me feel like who I am is not acceptable. In a way episodes are not acceptable because of the behavior brought on by the episodes. So, if the episodes are unacceptable and my family thinks that I am in an episode and I'm not then I am unacceptable. At least that is how my brain works and that is how I feel.
I'm stable now. I am who I am. I do what I do. I say what I say. Most people who know me well, who have known me all my life will tell you, "that's just Ashlee". I think that's okay. I think it's okay to just be Ashlee. The only problem is my husband, recently made friends within the past three or so years and acquaintances don't know the stable Ashlee. Well, obviously by this blog I don't either but for arguments sake we are going to run with this. These people know the depressed me, the manic me and the hypo-manic me. They don't know the Ashlee that does stuff on a whim, says crazy things, does crazy things and has fun. I haven't been that person in eleven years because from eighteen to twenty two I was high, self medicating. At twenty three I had my son and by the time I turned twenty four I was strung out on pills. By twenty five I was in detox. A few months later after that I was pregnant with my daughter.
What I am trying to say is I haven't had time to get stable because I was either high, having babies or trying to fight addiction. Most of the people in my life right now didn't know me when I was stable. When I met my husband I was high. The friends I have now know the Ashlee who was fighting the fight to stay clean. I was unstable in each circumstance. I am worried they may not like the stable Ashlee. I am mostly worried about my husband. He has seen a many of me's yet not a stable one and I haven't for a long time either.
I can remember back in a happier time in my life (WOW eleven years ago) when I was around the age of sixteen or seventeen. The circumstance I was under around that time were not good circumstances yet when I think back for the most part I was happy. I can remember loving life, loving the people around me, having good times and feeling joy. Despite the circumstances, which were horrible, I had joy. It is hard for me to distinguish if I was hypo-manic during those times, manic or just me because who is "me"? Was I ever stable? I have ALWAYS been crazy, out going, loud, center of attention, the party has arrived girl. Was that manic me or is that my personality? Inside I feel like that girl. The girl who says things that are better left unsaid, the girl who on a whim takes off to Tennessee just to go, the girl who up and packs up for a weekend to go camping on a whim, the girl who loves loud music and dancing, the girl who doesn't take any crap from anyone, the girl who will call you out and embarrass all her friends around her and the girl that may moon you going down the interstate.
That girl that I just described is the girl I always remember and is there something really wrong with that girl? Yea, I may say things out of the way, I may make a situation uncomfortable for other people, I may take off and just get away, I may go to a bar and get my dance on but when I am that girl I get pegged as manic. In my book that isn't manic.
You see, when I was growing up I had a lot of fun. I remember on the spur of the moment we would go camping, go to Florida, ride down an old country road just because. I remember being on the interstate and people mooning each other and messing with the truckers. I remember messing with people just to mess with them. I remember doing a lot of things that I shouldn't have been doing. I was always a rebel. That's not manic, right? We would do silly things out in public just to embarrass each other. We were just a crazy group of people who didn't care who was watching or what people thought because we were having a good time. That girl is still there. I really like that girl. Heavens forbid she creeps out and I am labeled manic.
I'm pretty sure that a lot of my "craziness" is from how I was raised and not a manic episode. I do go overboard and I do get manic! But if I am the least little bit happy and want to have a good time or do something spur of the moment I am manic. It is hard to deal with because I am ALWAYS labeled. I am never just me. When I am being labeled by a loved one and NOT in an episode it kills my self-esteem. It makes me feel like who I am is not acceptable. In a way episodes are not acceptable because of the behavior brought on by the episodes. So, if the episodes are unacceptable and my family thinks that I am in an episode and I'm not then I am unacceptable. At least that is how my brain works and that is how I feel.
I'm stable now. I am who I am. I do what I do. I say what I say. Most people who know me well, who have known me all my life will tell you, "that's just Ashlee". I think that's okay. I think it's okay to just be Ashlee. The only problem is my husband, recently made friends within the past three or so years and acquaintances don't know the stable Ashlee. Well, obviously by this blog I don't either but for arguments sake we are going to run with this. These people know the depressed me, the manic me and the hypo-manic me. They don't know the Ashlee that does stuff on a whim, says crazy things, does crazy things and has fun. I haven't been that person in eleven years because from eighteen to twenty two I was high, self medicating. At twenty three I had my son and by the time I turned twenty four I was strung out on pills. By twenty five I was in detox. A few months later after that I was pregnant with my daughter.
What I am trying to say is I haven't had time to get stable because I was either high, having babies or trying to fight addiction. Most of the people in my life right now didn't know me when I was stable. When I met my husband I was high. The friends I have now know the Ashlee who was fighting the fight to stay clean. I was unstable in each circumstance. I am worried they may not like the stable Ashlee. I am mostly worried about my husband. He has seen a many of me's yet not a stable one and I haven't for a long time either.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Some sort of Hope *UPDATE*
Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant in the trial and the change
One thing… Remains
Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me
One Thing Remains ~ Passion
This is how I feel about that at this moment......I face some pretty steep mountains and I am in constant trail and change and I know God's love never fails and He never gives up on me but lately I don't feel Him. And no I haven't been doing my part. I don't pray, well I do occasionally. I'm not in the word. He is not at the center like He used to be.
I am having a hard time being motivated about anything in my life. I guess that's a part of my monster. You get defeated and somewhat give up because it is overwhelming. Seems like there are 100 things that need to be done and in my brain it's like I can't sort through it like I used to be able to. For instance, taking one thing at a time. I see all these things and it seems like too much and I don't know where to start and it overwhelms me so I just don't do it at all. I can't do just one things at a time. I feel like I need to do them all at once, which is ridiculous because who in the world can do that. So, I go from one thing to the next without finishing the first thing and so they get half way done before I get so overwhelmed I just quit.
Now there is the list....I'll get back to that in a minute.
About the praying and reading the bible. I can't concentrate. My mind is in 100 different directions at once and I can't get my brain to focus long enough before I am talking to God or reading while also thinking that the radio in the car still isn't put back together, Marlee's room needs to be cleaned, I can't forget about my appointment coming up, did I take my medicine or did I just think about taking my medicine, I need to give the kids a bath tonight but that is so much trouble and on and on and on. So, at the point of AMEN I have no idea what I was talking about with God or reading. So, I feel defeated. I can't do the simplest things that other people do, so I'm not good enough or not as good as this person or that person. I'm not a good enough Christian because I can't do what other people do and then people try to encourage me and in my head I am going blah blah blah cause they have no idea. Like I haven't tried what they are suggesting. It irritates me, then what doesn't? UGH.
Back to the list. My counselor had me make a list of the top ten things I hate with number one being the thing I hate the most and doing number one first and work my way down the list. See, I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to everyday. It's the same life everyday, same routine, and I can't enjoy anything. I just exist. I'm an empty shell of a person that just goes with the motions trying to survive day to day. Trying to survive....that hits home. Who has to TRY and survive. Anyway. The list has given me some hope. I have been able to do the things I need to do. Mostly because it is organized and I don't go from one task to the next not finishing anything. I do the laundry (which is number one), do the dishes (number two) and so on. I have actually been accomplishing stuff and have had some pretty good days. It feels good to be able to do something, gives me some sort of hope.
So, hopefully I can keep this up and behave myself out of this slump I am in. It is so stupid to me.....I know in my rational mind that this is what I needed to do. I have thought about a list several times just never did it. I don't know why. Lack of caring, depression, no motivation to live. That is what makes me feel so crazy sometimes. I am not an ignorant girl, I am educated, I have a good sense or grasp on life in my rational mind. I know how things are supposed to be, what I am supposed to do but I just can't do it sometimes or I get lost in never never land. I don't know what happens really. Sometimes I give up but I guess maybe most of the time I feel so empty I can't hold it together.
Oh and the emptiness. I wonder if normal people forget how to love? If they too get empty, truly empty where they feel absolutely nothing at all. Most of the time I feel nothing, I don't know what to say or do or care about. The only emotion I ever do feel is anger. I am very angry and irritable. I can't deal with other people's crap, I can't take care of other people, I can't hold their stuff together and hold mine together. It is too much for me. I get overwhelmed so easily and then comes the anxiety and panic and racing thoughts. It's a cycle for me. I freak out over the smallest things because I am the one that has to hold everything together all the time with no help and I can barely can hold myself together. Sometimes I can't hold myself together. Why would anyone expect me to hold it all together? I can't hold it all together.
I DO NOT BELIEVE IN COINCIDENCES:
That being said.....what did I read on my favorite blog today? This ~~ You walk, one foot in the front of the other by the faith that gives you the hope you are already changed, perfect (Hebrews 10:14) according to heaven.
I don't have to be good enough, or like this person or like that person. I can just be me and look up instead of around. Go read her blog! http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/01/when-you-give-up-and-you-break-youve-made-it/
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant in the trial and the change
One thing… Remains
Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me
One Thing Remains ~ Passion
This is how I feel about that at this moment......I face some pretty steep mountains and I am in constant trail and change and I know God's love never fails and He never gives up on me but lately I don't feel Him. And no I haven't been doing my part. I don't pray, well I do occasionally. I'm not in the word. He is not at the center like He used to be.
I am having a hard time being motivated about anything in my life. I guess that's a part of my monster. You get defeated and somewhat give up because it is overwhelming. Seems like there are 100 things that need to be done and in my brain it's like I can't sort through it like I used to be able to. For instance, taking one thing at a time. I see all these things and it seems like too much and I don't know where to start and it overwhelms me so I just don't do it at all. I can't do just one things at a time. I feel like I need to do them all at once, which is ridiculous because who in the world can do that. So, I go from one thing to the next without finishing the first thing and so they get half way done before I get so overwhelmed I just quit.
Now there is the list....I'll get back to that in a minute.
About the praying and reading the bible. I can't concentrate. My mind is in 100 different directions at once and I can't get my brain to focus long enough before I am talking to God or reading while also thinking that the radio in the car still isn't put back together, Marlee's room needs to be cleaned, I can't forget about my appointment coming up, did I take my medicine or did I just think about taking my medicine, I need to give the kids a bath tonight but that is so much trouble and on and on and on. So, at the point of AMEN I have no idea what I was talking about with God or reading. So, I feel defeated. I can't do the simplest things that other people do, so I'm not good enough or not as good as this person or that person. I'm not a good enough Christian because I can't do what other people do and then people try to encourage me and in my head I am going blah blah blah cause they have no idea. Like I haven't tried what they are suggesting. It irritates me, then what doesn't? UGH.
Back to the list. My counselor had me make a list of the top ten things I hate with number one being the thing I hate the most and doing number one first and work my way down the list. See, I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to everyday. It's the same life everyday, same routine, and I can't enjoy anything. I just exist. I'm an empty shell of a person that just goes with the motions trying to survive day to day. Trying to survive....that hits home. Who has to TRY and survive. Anyway. The list has given me some hope. I have been able to do the things I need to do. Mostly because it is organized and I don't go from one task to the next not finishing anything. I do the laundry (which is number one), do the dishes (number two) and so on. I have actually been accomplishing stuff and have had some pretty good days. It feels good to be able to do something, gives me some sort of hope.
So, hopefully I can keep this up and behave myself out of this slump I am in. It is so stupid to me.....I know in my rational mind that this is what I needed to do. I have thought about a list several times just never did it. I don't know why. Lack of caring, depression, no motivation to live. That is what makes me feel so crazy sometimes. I am not an ignorant girl, I am educated, I have a good sense or grasp on life in my rational mind. I know how things are supposed to be, what I am supposed to do but I just can't do it sometimes or I get lost in never never land. I don't know what happens really. Sometimes I give up but I guess maybe most of the time I feel so empty I can't hold it together.
Oh and the emptiness. I wonder if normal people forget how to love? If they too get empty, truly empty where they feel absolutely nothing at all. Most of the time I feel nothing, I don't know what to say or do or care about. The only emotion I ever do feel is anger. I am very angry and irritable. I can't deal with other people's crap, I can't take care of other people, I can't hold their stuff together and hold mine together. It is too much for me. I get overwhelmed so easily and then comes the anxiety and panic and racing thoughts. It's a cycle for me. I freak out over the smallest things because I am the one that has to hold everything together all the time with no help and I can barely can hold myself together. Sometimes I can't hold myself together. Why would anyone expect me to hold it all together? I can't hold it all together.
I DO NOT BELIEVE IN COINCIDENCES:
That being said.....what did I read on my favorite blog today? This ~~ You walk, one foot in the front of the other by the faith that gives you the hope you are already changed, perfect (Hebrews 10:14) according to heaven.
I don't have to be good enough, or like this person or like that person. I can just be me and look up instead of around. Go read her blog! http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/01/when-you-give-up-and-you-break-youve-made-it/
Friday, January 25, 2013
Whoopty Doo
I am going out and about today. God, even when I doubt, takes care of us. I didn't think we were going to have enough money for groceries this week but looking at the calendar and how the bills fall I even had enough money to put back for next week when the check is going to be crappy! I have worried so much and then let it affect my marriage because of course everything is Michael's fault. I don't know how he puts up with me. He can't help that his back went out and he missed so much work. It's not his fault but I have to run him in the ground like it is his fault. I hate that I let the anxiety and stress turn to so much anger that I hurt other people. I've been doing that a lot lately. Snapping off at people who don't deserve to be snapped off at. It's like I can't help it, I don't think about it before I do it, it just comes spilling out of my mouth and then I feel horrible. It makes me cringe thinking about it.
Anyway, I am going to the grocery. Last time I had a horrible experience and I am going to try and not let my crazy side take over. I mean it's just the grocery.....big freakin whoopty doo. Why be nervous about doing things that are normal everyday things? I wish I could be normal. Oh and it's a snow day here. There is NO snow. I don't get it. My point being that I have both of the kids with me, again, when I go. Jace usually gets me really fired up. We really butt heads!!! He is just like me so I'm pretty sure that's why. So.....I am venturing out. I don't want to get dressed or the kids dressed or get them loaded in the car or take them out of the car or put groceries in the car or take them out of the car and then put the groceries away but I'm pretty hungry and there is little to nothing in this house. I'll update when i get back.
UPDATE:
It started spitting ice....so of course by the time I get ready and get the kids ready and go outside we had to go back in the house. The roads were horrible here wrecks everywhere. You could see the ice on the road in front of my house. Hopefully I can get out tomorrow.
Speaking of tomorrow....that is yet another challenge. Jace had another basketball game. I hate being around groups of people. I get so nervous. I don't want to go but when it comes to my kids I will always make myself go. Usually if Michael is there I do better. I think he will be sleeping this time cause the game is early. He works third shift :(
So basketball AND the grocery tomorrow. Makes me anxious thinkin about it. I don't want to go alone. But I will of course.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Counseling and Clothes Hangers
I went and seen my counselor today and he hit the nail on the head. He told me exactly how I feel when I couldn't tell him how I feel. Living day in and day out with nothing to look forward to, no happiness, emptiness, feeling like I just exist. That's it....existing. What fun is that, what is there to look forward to? I wake up, do the same thing every day, unable to enjoy anything at all, unable to do everyday things when I know in my rational mind that all I have to do is get up and do it but in my bipolar mind I can't. Baby steps.
I have to make a list.This list consists of the things I hate to do. Then I have to do those things. I also have to sweat three times a week which I want to do. Then I have to actually pay my water bill in person. You are probably like....what? I don't want to have to have any human interaction. It makes me nervous. So, next month I need to pay my water bill. *Sigh* I can do it, I know I can do it. My rational mind says....hello weirdo just go pay the bill, what's the big deal? The other side of me says NOOOOO! Then I'm like....that is so stupid to think NOOOO, just do it, what is the big deal? I don't know how it is possible to feel two different emotions at once or to think two different things at once. To battle with your own mind. Most would call that crazy, I just call it bipolar :):
So, why Counseling and Clothes Hangers? Number one on that list is laundry. I hate, despise laundry and we never have enough clothes hangers and so I stopped at Walmart on my way home and got some. I'll be needing them I guess. I don't guess, I know.
I can do this. I have always been a fighter. I won't let this monster win. I am going to learn how to live with it, control it and not let it control me. The battle begins.......
I have to make a list.This list consists of the things I hate to do. Then I have to do those things. I also have to sweat three times a week which I want to do. Then I have to actually pay my water bill in person. You are probably like....what? I don't want to have to have any human interaction. It makes me nervous. So, next month I need to pay my water bill. *Sigh* I can do it, I know I can do it. My rational mind says....hello weirdo just go pay the bill, what's the big deal? The other side of me says NOOOOO! Then I'm like....that is so stupid to think NOOOO, just do it, what is the big deal? I don't know how it is possible to feel two different emotions at once or to think two different things at once. To battle with your own mind. Most would call that crazy, I just call it bipolar :):
So, why Counseling and Clothes Hangers? Number one on that list is laundry. I hate, despise laundry and we never have enough clothes hangers and so I stopped at Walmart on my way home and got some. I'll be needing them I guess. I don't guess, I know.
I can do this. I have always been a fighter. I won't let this monster win. I am going to learn how to live with it, control it and not let it control me. The battle begins.......
Everything will be okay.....
For God's sake....no it won't. I get so fed up with hearing people say that or blog about that who have no idea what it means to be mentally ill. I'm not just depressed, I'm not just overly happy, I'm not just aggravated, I'm not just anxious, I'm not just going to get better. Sure, it may get better for a period of time but I will fight this monster for the rest of my stinking life. There are going to be more ups and down's and I have to deal with that. I am not like a "normal" person who is depressed or down in the dumps for a couple months. Those people are actually lucky they can take some prozac for a couple of months and then be okay...back to the old routine. This is an illness like diabetes, it is something for the rest of my life that has to be treated medically and if not it can kill me.
So, I read all these inspirational blogs and it gets under my skin because what about people like me? People who don't get better or do get better but in a couple of months go back to being not okay because things will never be completely stable for the rest of our lives. All this scripture is posted and all these encouraging words of hang on to God, with Christ all things are possible. All it does is make me feel like a failure because it's not that easy for me. So, do I not have the faith that it takes? I have faith but I also know reality. So is it different in God's eyes with a sick person? A person who loses all sense of self sometimes and does things that they shouldn't do or a person who goes so deep into depression they can't even get out of bed much less focus on a bible study. I guess sometimes I feel as if I can't live up to the expectations that are set for Christians all because I am different. I am ill, I can't just get over it or come out of it. I hate when people tell me that. They think "oh well if she would get out of the house, if she would pray, if she would have faith, if she would call someone". Who am I supposed to call? No one gets it. They judge instead and make assumptions about me and what I should do instead of trying to understand.
I guess I just wish I knew what God thought about this. He planned out my life for the good.....where is the good? What does He think when I get crazy and forget about Him, what does He think when I get so depressed I can't think about anything? I have yet to find an inspirational blog that get's what I go through and has some sort of answers. I don't have any. It's not as simple as all these other blogs make it to be for people like me. It makes me jealous, wishing that it was that easy. I don't know......I guess I am just irritated.
So, I read all these inspirational blogs and it gets under my skin because what about people like me? People who don't get better or do get better but in a couple of months go back to being not okay because things will never be completely stable for the rest of our lives. All this scripture is posted and all these encouraging words of hang on to God, with Christ all things are possible. All it does is make me feel like a failure because it's not that easy for me. So, do I not have the faith that it takes? I have faith but I also know reality. So is it different in God's eyes with a sick person? A person who loses all sense of self sometimes and does things that they shouldn't do or a person who goes so deep into depression they can't even get out of bed much less focus on a bible study. I guess sometimes I feel as if I can't live up to the expectations that are set for Christians all because I am different. I am ill, I can't just get over it or come out of it. I hate when people tell me that. They think "oh well if she would get out of the house, if she would pray, if she would have faith, if she would call someone". Who am I supposed to call? No one gets it. They judge instead and make assumptions about me and what I should do instead of trying to understand.
I guess I just wish I knew what God thought about this. He planned out my life for the good.....where is the good? What does He think when I get crazy and forget about Him, what does He think when I get so depressed I can't think about anything? I have yet to find an inspirational blog that get's what I go through and has some sort of answers. I don't have any. It's not as simple as all these other blogs make it to be for people like me. It makes me jealous, wishing that it was that easy. I don't know......I guess I am just irritated.
Saturday, January 19, 2013
Basketball :)
My babies! Had a bball game today and socially I did good. I had my husband a finally refilled my buspar!
Friday, January 18, 2013
Normal People
Last week I was at Jace's basketball practice, just Marlee and I. I sat in front of one woman and then came another woman who sat behind me. Immediately they started a conversation and they didn't know each other. I heard one say to the other, "I don't know many people from here, I am not from here" and the other lady replied "nice to meet you". So, I sat there wondering the entire time as I listened to them chatting, how do people do that? I can't just go up to someone and start a conversation and even when someone starts one with me or casually says something to me I can't keep a conversation going. Everyone used to chalk it up to being shy. I am partly shy but for the most part here is what is running through my brain when I have to meet and talk to someone new......am I talking too much, am I not talking enough, what do they think of me, I bet they think I'm not normal, I bet they can tell there is something different, I bet they already don't like me and it goes on and on.
With bipolar disorder comes paranoia. I didn't realize that I had it so badly until I have lately been obsessed with researching my disease. I put a lot of stuff together. I hate going anywhere sometimes. I am always paranoid, especially if it is somewhere new. A couple of weeks ago I went to the grocery and because I hadn't been there before I kept thinking on the way there, "what if people can tell I haven't been here before, what if they can tell I'm not from this town, I don't want people looking at me". Then I get there and my anxiety is off the chain! Everyone I pass I think they are looking at me, thinking whatever they may be thinking about me, someone smiles and I put my head down and I have all these crazy thoughts going through my head. I mean come on....am I really that important to other people? HAHAHAHAHA! I'm sure no one was worried about me or what I was doing and they realized I was there doing the same thing they were doing. But in my mind everyone was looking at me, they were thinking bad things about me and it made my anxiety go through the roof. I always thought it was just anxiety but it's not. I'm pretty sure normal people don't deal with this.
I drive myself crazy sometimes because I get so worked up over nothing but I can't help it. I can't make it stop. Then my mind starts going even crazier than it usually is, thinking all kinds of unreasonable things (unless the mob is after you) and I am telling my own self in my head to "shut up, you are being irrational". People joke about having conversations with themselves but I really do. I try to calm my crazy side down....talk some sense into myself. Now that is bipolar in all it's glory people!
If I feel that way in the grocery store can you imagine how I feel on Sunday Morning Service when they ask you to greet the people around you. I'd rather crawl under the pew. But I stand there with my very fake uncomfortable smile and shake people's hands. I wish they would rethink that part of the service! It is torture for me. Oh and what if someone said good morning how are you and I told them how I was really doing instead of the polite "oh I'm fine". They wouldn't come back to church. Hahahaha!! That's the only part of church I dislike, being forced to be sociable.
I have had this on my mind for awhile but have been to tired to get off the couch to blog. They have been changing my meds and I haven't been myself (which is good). I am not as angry and short-tempered and I'm not nearly as depressed as I was. I'm still not okay though. I can't explain how I feel other than I just feel here. I'm just here. I don't feel happy and I don't feel as depressed. Maybe I don't feel right now. Again....bipolar at it's finest. It's a roller coaster and you roll with the hills. Not knowing how you feel is normal, with us. I go to a therapist this coming week and back to the nurse the week after. We will see what they say. Most of the time they have no idea what they are talking about either. I love when the nurse told me to exercise cause I'll feel better. Telling a severely depressed person to go exercise is crazy. I barely get off the couch and you want me to go walking. RIGHT! I'm not that bad anymore though but I'm still not leaving the house. Paranoia has the best of me. I barely make it to church and basketball practice.
Anyway....just another day in my shoes for you. :)
With bipolar disorder comes paranoia. I didn't realize that I had it so badly until I have lately been obsessed with researching my disease. I put a lot of stuff together. I hate going anywhere sometimes. I am always paranoid, especially if it is somewhere new. A couple of weeks ago I went to the grocery and because I hadn't been there before I kept thinking on the way there, "what if people can tell I haven't been here before, what if they can tell I'm not from this town, I don't want people looking at me". Then I get there and my anxiety is off the chain! Everyone I pass I think they are looking at me, thinking whatever they may be thinking about me, someone smiles and I put my head down and I have all these crazy thoughts going through my head. I mean come on....am I really that important to other people? HAHAHAHAHA! I'm sure no one was worried about me or what I was doing and they realized I was there doing the same thing they were doing. But in my mind everyone was looking at me, they were thinking bad things about me and it made my anxiety go through the roof. I always thought it was just anxiety but it's not. I'm pretty sure normal people don't deal with this.
I drive myself crazy sometimes because I get so worked up over nothing but I can't help it. I can't make it stop. Then my mind starts going even crazier than it usually is, thinking all kinds of unreasonable things (unless the mob is after you) and I am telling my own self in my head to "shut up, you are being irrational". People joke about having conversations with themselves but I really do. I try to calm my crazy side down....talk some sense into myself. Now that is bipolar in all it's glory people!
If I feel that way in the grocery store can you imagine how I feel on Sunday Morning Service when they ask you to greet the people around you. I'd rather crawl under the pew. But I stand there with my very fake uncomfortable smile and shake people's hands. I wish they would rethink that part of the service! It is torture for me. Oh and what if someone said good morning how are you and I told them how I was really doing instead of the polite "oh I'm fine". They wouldn't come back to church. Hahahaha!! That's the only part of church I dislike, being forced to be sociable.
I have had this on my mind for awhile but have been to tired to get off the couch to blog. They have been changing my meds and I haven't been myself (which is good). I am not as angry and short-tempered and I'm not nearly as depressed as I was. I'm still not okay though. I can't explain how I feel other than I just feel here. I'm just here. I don't feel happy and I don't feel as depressed. Maybe I don't feel right now. Again....bipolar at it's finest. It's a roller coaster and you roll with the hills. Not knowing how you feel is normal, with us. I go to a therapist this coming week and back to the nurse the week after. We will see what they say. Most of the time they have no idea what they are talking about either. I love when the nurse told me to exercise cause I'll feel better. Telling a severely depressed person to go exercise is crazy. I barely get off the couch and you want me to go walking. RIGHT! I'm not that bad anymore though but I'm still not leaving the house. Paranoia has the best of me. I barely make it to church and basketball practice.
Anyway....just another day in my shoes for you. :)
Tuesday, January 8, 2013
I don't feel like it!
No, I am not lazy. I get in these funks where I don't feel like being around people or talking to people or listening to people talk. Everyone and everything gets on my nerves. I get on my own nerves. I am not a pleasant person to be around so I isolate. I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to be bothered, I am easily angered and un-centered (which auto correct is telling me that is not a word....un-centered). I don't know that I am ever centered but during this time I am definitely off. I am not happy, I'm not depressed, I am usually just angry and irritable.
I haven't felt like writing. Every time I have tried I have gotten aggravated with myself and deleted what I wrote. But I felt like I needed to write now because this is a part of who I am. Most people see it as I am just a mean person (usually use the B word :/ ) or I am some spoiled brat. I can be mean and I have been spoiled but that has nothing to do with these moods. The monster is a moody stupid disease. It is something medicine can't always control, no I can't just get over it, no I don't feel sorry for myself or want sympathy (in fact that gets on my nerves). This is a part of what I have to deal with. I do have triggers that bring on these moods. I feel overwhelmed lately, had a change in my medicine, Michael switching shifts, money beyond tight....it's not there and so this mood comes. It hangs around for awhile. I feel a total disconnect from God. I don't pray or read the Bible because that too aggravates me. Not the act in itself, it's because I can't get my thoughts together long enough to even say a prayer. UGH! I hate my brain. I will never forget Tom saying that when we can't pray the Holy Spirit goes to God for us and translates our groaning for us. I tell God I am sorry I can't pray, he knows my heart.
I hate that I have to deal with this. My brain is so much different than everyone else's and no one get it unless you deal with it. This mood I am in now feels like I am paralyzed. I am stuck in this rut and eventually I will feel better, so I know there is hope. I just have to ride the coaster, wait for the next hill. I wish God could take this away but then again to be normal without the racing thoughts and different moods I'm afraid I would become bored with life. Maybe I like being crazy. Oh goodness.
So, that is where I am right now. I just feel like WHATEVER. I don't care about anything right now and don't care to be bothered. But I am going to drag myself out of this house tonight to go to MOPS. I don't want to but I am going.
I sometimes wonder what all of you think when you read my blog. Some of you have sent me such encouraging messages and it's good to know I have opened the eyes of some of you and help you understand the disease. Then I wonder about those who judge me, whisper behind my back like a coward. If they do and are that self righteous than so be it. It is like talking about a person with cancer or downs syndrome. I have a disease that comes with a stigma. A stigma I hope to break.
I haven't felt like writing. Every time I have tried I have gotten aggravated with myself and deleted what I wrote. But I felt like I needed to write now because this is a part of who I am. Most people see it as I am just a mean person (usually use the B word :/ ) or I am some spoiled brat. I can be mean and I have been spoiled but that has nothing to do with these moods. The monster is a moody stupid disease. It is something medicine can't always control, no I can't just get over it, no I don't feel sorry for myself or want sympathy (in fact that gets on my nerves). This is a part of what I have to deal with. I do have triggers that bring on these moods. I feel overwhelmed lately, had a change in my medicine, Michael switching shifts, money beyond tight....it's not there and so this mood comes. It hangs around for awhile. I feel a total disconnect from God. I don't pray or read the Bible because that too aggravates me. Not the act in itself, it's because I can't get my thoughts together long enough to even say a prayer. UGH! I hate my brain. I will never forget Tom saying that when we can't pray the Holy Spirit goes to God for us and translates our groaning for us. I tell God I am sorry I can't pray, he knows my heart.
I hate that I have to deal with this. My brain is so much different than everyone else's and no one get it unless you deal with it. This mood I am in now feels like I am paralyzed. I am stuck in this rut and eventually I will feel better, so I know there is hope. I just have to ride the coaster, wait for the next hill. I wish God could take this away but then again to be normal without the racing thoughts and different moods I'm afraid I would become bored with life. Maybe I like being crazy. Oh goodness.
So, that is where I am right now. I just feel like WHATEVER. I don't care about anything right now and don't care to be bothered. But I am going to drag myself out of this house tonight to go to MOPS. I don't want to but I am going.
I sometimes wonder what all of you think when you read my blog. Some of you have sent me such encouraging messages and it's good to know I have opened the eyes of some of you and help you understand the disease. Then I wonder about those who judge me, whisper behind my back like a coward. If they do and are that self righteous than so be it. It is like talking about a person with cancer or downs syndrome. I have a disease that comes with a stigma. A stigma I hope to break.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
Up and Down
Well, I started pretty down today. I didn't want to get up, I didn't want to get dressed, I didn't want to put on make-up, I didn't want to go to the doctor. Now I'm ready to get out of the house and do something and have all kinds of energy. The ends and outs of the monster. From minute to minute sometimes you just don't know what life is going to be like.
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