It is funny how a song or smell can trigger a memory. Some songs come on the radio and I will immediately turn the channel. I'll walk past someone and the smell of their cologne takes me to a place I either want to be or run far away from.
Today, because of a couple who are close to me, I have been thinking about my past. I don't like to go there, most of it is ugly. I was thinking how many times my poor husband could have up and ran if he wanted to. I have been so manic that I drove the boy to the brink of insanity with me. He never gave up on me. Everyone else has always given up. No one wants to be around a person that they don't know who that person will be day to day. I guess my husband like the variety :)
There is no doubt in my mind that if we didn't have God then we wouldn't be we. There would no longer be an us. No Michael and Ashlee ever again. When I was weak in faith Michael was strong and when Michael was weak (yea he's not perfect ;) even tho I make it seem that way) I was strong. To me that is no coincidence. Well I don't believe in coincidences. I know it was God. God took us to our breaking point but God never gave us too much even when we thought it WAS too much. God knew better and knew what He was doing. We have failed a few tests but by God's Grace we are still us.
Some people (I wish I could tell you who) think that he is crazy for staying with me. Here is the deal, ready? For better or for WORSE, in SICKNESS and in health till DEATH do us part. I am sick and most people don't get that, don't try to get it and could careless. Of course I don't go around flaunting it either. So when people say to him how crazy he is thankfully he can brush that off and think how silly they are to think you are supposed to throw away a marriage because of hard times. And he knows my sickness, he knows my worst and most of all he knows my heart. No one else takes the time to see but him. We took those vows and both of us have wanted to throw in the towel at times. During those times it's funny how one was always more grounded in God than the other. One was praying when the other wasn't. One was pleading while the other wasn't. So, when we see each other falling short it is definitely okay to say.....hey weirdo pick up your bible. I guess in hindsight I can now see what God was doing. We both see what God was doing.
I got to see one Sunday morning what God was doing in my husbands heart and that is a day I will never forget. I wish I could share it but Michael is more private than me. It was a healing for both of us. A healing we both needed. God is perfect in His timing and knows what we need before we think we know what we need.
I don't know what brought this subject up in my boggled brain. I think it's because Michael has a new cologne and I was thinking "down the road when I smell this I am going to feel comfort" cause that's where we are now. I'm starting to feel safe again in his arms. Music and fragrance will always take me back to another time.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
I'm different and that's Okay!
Irritability is an excessive response to stimuli.
Stimuli are events in the environment that influence behavior.
Stimuli....what an ugly word to call my family.....bahahahahaha! Just kidding guys, there is much more that irritates me than my family. I stay very irritated and angry. I'm not sure if it's easier for me to show anger than other emotions or if that's just the emotion I am most familiar with. I think it's the one I am most familiar with and so it's easier to express. Now that I am thinking about it, it happens to be the only one I express.
I rarely show happiness, the sadness may show but I don't intend for it to, I never cry and if I do I do it alone and love I rarely show. I feel these things on occasion of course, I am human after all. When I sit and I think about these feelings the one's I feel most frequently is anger. But when I'm not angry what do I feel? What do normal people feel? If you are happy do you feel happiness all the time? I know if I am depressed I feel depressed all the time. I feel angry all the time. I rarely feel happy, I mean I feel okay, but as far as happy I really don't know.
I find that to be another thing, not knowing how you are feeling. Don't ask me how I'm feeling cause most of the time I don't know. I really don't know. How can that be? That someone doesn't know how they feel? Is that normal or is that how people with Bipolar Disorder feel? I don't know. All I know is most of the time I don't feel anything. Gosh that sounds pathetic huh? If I am not angry or irritated then I feel nothing. I say I'm okay and maybe that is MY okay. I guess when you don't know what normal is for yourself yet (because I don't) it's okay to not know. I remember when I was young and in counseling Missy would ask me how I was feeling and I couldn't tell her. I didn't know. Shew, I need therapy.
Love is the hardest emotion for me to show. It means I need to be vulnerable and that's not something I am good at. I think somewhere along the way I have tied love and weakness together. I've always had to be strong. To not be strong is to BE weak. I've always refused to be weak. I was "weak" a couple of times and they made a fool out of me and I refuse to look that way again or feel that way again and so with love I can't be vulnerable. Well, to be honest I don't know that I can love. To love would mean to let someone hurt me again. So I keep people close enough but not too close. I've been let down by every single person in my life and it has broken my heart so badly that the pieces won't fit together anymore. And yes, I have certainly let people down and yes I think they should still love me and that's great if they can but I can't love all the way again. Is that confusing? I can love them, just not the way I used to love them. I will never love the way I used to love and that's sad. It used to be when I loved, I LOVED. Never again.
Speaking of weakness, I never cry and if I do I do it alone like I said. I'll never forget, I was telling one of my friends a story about something that happened and I mentioned that I was crying like a baby. Well the facial expression I made as I said that must have been one of those "roll your eyes, get over yourself faces". She said, "you talk about being emotional as if it's a bad thing". One thing about being bipolar (at least for me) is when someone says something that you like, don't like or makes you uncomfortable you never forget. I will obsess over what they said for days on end sometimes. When I say obsess I really mean that it will be all I can think about constantly, non-stop, in a drive you crazy kind of way. This is one of those moments I will never forget because for me it is a bad thing to be emotional. I don't like to be emotional.
There are so many things I wish I could forget. When people say hurtful things to me they NEVER go away. Every time I see that person I will remember what they said to me and feel that emotion over and over again. That's why I hate when people point out my flaws. I will obsess over it, feeling insecure until I forget then something triggers that memory and I start obsessing again. I can't just move on like normal people because my obsessive brain won't let me. I'm not holding a grudge intentionally, the pain is too much that it consumes me and no I can't get over the pain. If I could I would, I don't want to hold onto it but looks like I have no choice.
From the forums I have been on and all the Facebook support pages I am active in I have come to know that this is normal for people like me. We are sensitive people, we sometimes don't know how we feel, we are passionate, artistic and deep. I am sure the list could go on. We are on a different spectrum and it's hard for me to remember that not everyone FEELS the same way that I feel, hurts the way I hurt or thinks the way I think and that's okay. They may call me a drama queen or over reactive but they expect me to feel the way they feel, hurt the way they hurt and think the way they think and I don't. Most of the time that's not okay with them. But who cares? I am different and that's okay.
Stimuli are events in the environment that influence behavior.
Stimuli....what an ugly word to call my family.....bahahahahaha! Just kidding guys, there is much more that irritates me than my family. I stay very irritated and angry. I'm not sure if it's easier for me to show anger than other emotions or if that's just the emotion I am most familiar with. I think it's the one I am most familiar with and so it's easier to express. Now that I am thinking about it, it happens to be the only one I express.
I rarely show happiness, the sadness may show but I don't intend for it to, I never cry and if I do I do it alone and love I rarely show. I feel these things on occasion of course, I am human after all. When I sit and I think about these feelings the one's I feel most frequently is anger. But when I'm not angry what do I feel? What do normal people feel? If you are happy do you feel happiness all the time? I know if I am depressed I feel depressed all the time. I feel angry all the time. I rarely feel happy, I mean I feel okay, but as far as happy I really don't know.
I find that to be another thing, not knowing how you are feeling. Don't ask me how I'm feeling cause most of the time I don't know. I really don't know. How can that be? That someone doesn't know how they feel? Is that normal or is that how people with Bipolar Disorder feel? I don't know. All I know is most of the time I don't feel anything. Gosh that sounds pathetic huh? If I am not angry or irritated then I feel nothing. I say I'm okay and maybe that is MY okay. I guess when you don't know what normal is for yourself yet (because I don't) it's okay to not know. I remember when I was young and in counseling Missy would ask me how I was feeling and I couldn't tell her. I didn't know. Shew, I need therapy.
Love is the hardest emotion for me to show. It means I need to be vulnerable and that's not something I am good at. I think somewhere along the way I have tied love and weakness together. I've always had to be strong. To not be strong is to BE weak. I've always refused to be weak. I was "weak" a couple of times and they made a fool out of me and I refuse to look that way again or feel that way again and so with love I can't be vulnerable. Well, to be honest I don't know that I can love. To love would mean to let someone hurt me again. So I keep people close enough but not too close. I've been let down by every single person in my life and it has broken my heart so badly that the pieces won't fit together anymore. And yes, I have certainly let people down and yes I think they should still love me and that's great if they can but I can't love all the way again. Is that confusing? I can love them, just not the way I used to love them. I will never love the way I used to love and that's sad. It used to be when I loved, I LOVED. Never again.
Speaking of weakness, I never cry and if I do I do it alone like I said. I'll never forget, I was telling one of my friends a story about something that happened and I mentioned that I was crying like a baby. Well the facial expression I made as I said that must have been one of those "roll your eyes, get over yourself faces". She said, "you talk about being emotional as if it's a bad thing". One thing about being bipolar (at least for me) is when someone says something that you like, don't like or makes you uncomfortable you never forget. I will obsess over what they said for days on end sometimes. When I say obsess I really mean that it will be all I can think about constantly, non-stop, in a drive you crazy kind of way. This is one of those moments I will never forget because for me it is a bad thing to be emotional. I don't like to be emotional.
There are so many things I wish I could forget. When people say hurtful things to me they NEVER go away. Every time I see that person I will remember what they said to me and feel that emotion over and over again. That's why I hate when people point out my flaws. I will obsess over it, feeling insecure until I forget then something triggers that memory and I start obsessing again. I can't just move on like normal people because my obsessive brain won't let me. I'm not holding a grudge intentionally, the pain is too much that it consumes me and no I can't get over the pain. If I could I would, I don't want to hold onto it but looks like I have no choice.
From the forums I have been on and all the Facebook support pages I am active in I have come to know that this is normal for people like me. We are sensitive people, we sometimes don't know how we feel, we are passionate, artistic and deep. I am sure the list could go on. We are on a different spectrum and it's hard for me to remember that not everyone FEELS the same way that I feel, hurts the way I hurt or thinks the way I think and that's okay. They may call me a drama queen or over reactive but they expect me to feel the way they feel, hurt the way they hurt and think the way they think and I don't. Most of the time that's not okay with them. But who cares? I am different and that's okay.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Of Monsters And Men - Slow and Steady - Lyrics [My Head Is An Animal] HD
Passing by all the Monsters in my head. I swear this band is bipolar!
Of Monsters and Men Little Talks Lyrics
This song is so very much Michael and I. He is always trying to save me even when I don't want to be saved.
Confessions
Romans 13:12–14
12 dThe night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let usecast off fthe works of darkness and gput on the armor of light. 13 hLet us walk properly as in the daytime, inot in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, jnot in quarreling and jealousy. 14 But kput on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, lto gratify its desires.
There are times in the middle of the night that I can't wait to see the sun come up. I lay in my bed, tossing and turning, mind racing about.....well whatever, I can't get it to shut off and all I want is to go to sleep. I will obsess over everything depending on my mood I guess. It's almost like all of my fears creep in at night. The one I most hate is death. I don't know why but I have such a fear of those around me dying, I don't want to be alone, to be without them and I obsess. Thank God when the sun comes up.
Darkness. My darkest of times was this summer as I said before. I don't think that I could even think. I never thought about anything really. I just laid there, on my couch, empty. The emptiness and the darkness was overwhelming. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't really care to do anything with myself. I mean it's gross and all (but we are being honest here right?) I didn't want to get up and take a shower. When my kids asked for something to eat or drink I didn't want to get up to get it. If my house was dirty I didn't care (so unlike me).
I'm going to tell you how bad it really gets and got for me. You can judge me and not understand because I don't expect you to and frankly I don't care. I called Michael, he was at work. The kids were acting up and I couldn't take it anymore, I was about to go psycho. I told him I couldn't take it anymore and that he needed to come home. It was so bad that I said this, "I can somewhat understand now why Mothers go crazy and drown their kids in a bathtub or drive into a pond with their windows rolled up". I was sick people. Very very very sick. I would have NEVER hurt my kids no matter how sick I got but in that brief moment I could relate to all those sick, psychotic mothers. I couldn't take it anymore, it was too much. It makes me cry to even admit that. But you see, it's the sickness, the monster. You do things, you think things that you normally wouldn't. The monster is the Devil.
I'm not sure why no one seen how sick I was or didn't do anything about it. They noticed, they could see it in my eyes but no one offered to help. I was helpless and couldn't pull it together until one day I just started getting better. And that is the roller-coaster. One minute you are crazy, the next everything is just fine, the next you are on top of the world and the next is back down the hill you go. I never get a rest....ever.
Let us walk properly. Well, even with God when I am manic there is no reasoning. There is no REAL reality. I am a different person and God is not my top priority, I am. Now that recently I have been recognizing my episodes and my husband has been recognizing my episodes I can control it a little better before it gets out of hand. Not saying that it will never get out of hand again because it will, it's the monster. A month ago I started getting manic. My husband recognized it and pointed it out. I knew I was, but I like it and hated that he just had to point it out. It's good that he pointed it out though because I didn't go crazy this time. It lasted about a month and now I'm almost in a mixed state. Some days I am a little hypo-manic and some days I feel myself slipping into the dark. I'm trying to stay on middle ground, fighting, not to let the monster win.
Put on the Lord Jesus Christ. I have not lost sight this time. I know there is hope, I know I am going to be okay, I remember to pray, I do my bible studies, my armor is on and the ONLY thing keeping me sane right now and I am sure of that. It is a battle, a stupid ongoing battle that is exhausting. I get so irritable and angry (part of being in a mixed state). I have no patience and don't want to be around people. The smallest things pee me off such as the clicking of a pen, people eating, someone talking too much or any at all and people in general. That is how I have felt lately. I just need to be in my own little world away from all that bugs me so I don't snap and beat the crap out of someone.
So, it is possible to live by scripture and trust God. That is not saying that when the disease gets out of control and you are asking "I thought she was a Christian?" that I will keep sight of things. I will lose sight again, the monster will take over, I will do sinful things. God will cover me in his Grace and bring me back to the light like a good Shepard does. It is between He and I and none of anyone else's business. He came for the sick. I am sick.
Friday, December 21, 2012
mAniA and HyPoMaNic
Mania....hummm....where do I start? I have my own kind of mania, I guess it's different for everyone. I'll never forget my therapist Larry trying to describe what mania is like. He said he had a patient who just felt the need to go running around naked in Kroger. WoW! I've not ever been like that and mania can go to the extremes. Thankfully (for everyone!), I have never gotten the notion to run around naked in Kroger.
A manic episode goes like this-period of time where an elevated, expansive or notably irritable mood is present, lasting for at least one week.
A manic episode goes like this-period of time where an elevated, expansive or notably irritable mood is present, lasting for at least one week.
- Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity
- Decreased need for sleep (e.g., one feels rested after only 3 hours of sleep)
- More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking
- Flight of ideas or subjective experience that thoughts are racing
- Attention is easily drawn to unimportant or irrelevant items
- Increase in goal-directed activity (either socially, at work or school, or sexually) or psychomotor agitation
- Excessive involvement in pleasurable activities that have a high potential for painful consequences (e.g., engaging in unrestrained buying sprees, sexual indiscretions, or foolish business investments)
- http://psychcentral.com
Grandiosity, what a awesome word, I am embarrassed to say I suffer from during hypo. I am the most beautiful, intelligent, don't need anyone, have the best idea's, can fix the world kinda thinking. So, pretty much I think I am the best of the best and there isn't anyone who is going to top me. No one could even dare compare to me and who I am. You'll never find anyone better than me. Oh and I love attention, the more attention you give me the higher I get. It's a sense of euphoria, like I am on top of the world and no one can bring me down. I am the best worker (literally) that you could ever ask for. I could complete 10 tasks to everyone else's 1. No one can move fast enough for me, I am always on the go go go. My mind races ten thousand times a minute thinking about nothing at all really. Sometimes a horrible flashback will sneak in but mostly I think about nothing at all. Can you imagine? Oh and the foolish behavior, *sigh*. I hate being called out on my behavior and when I get called out I just get worse! When I am in this phase I LOVE to party, go to bars, get drunk and chill with friends. Are you asking yourself, "Isn't she supposed to be a Christian"? It's okay, I ask myself that.
I fall short of the glory of God daily but when I am in Hypo mode I fall flat on my face. Two years ago I was Manic, maybe extremely Hypo. It was the worse episode that I had ever had. I never came home, I was getting drunk 24-7, hanging out with people I shouldn't have been hanging out with, doing things I shouldn't have been doing, not sleeping, not eating and having a fanTastic time. It was the monster folks, not me. I couldn't control it, my husband couldn't nor my family. I was gonna do what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it because I had it like that. I was on top of the world, no one could bring me down and God help them if they tried. It's that whole grandiosity thing. When you are in an episode all of reality is gone but you don't know that. It's almost like you are psychotic because the way you are living IS reality (to you). We can't see past the monster to see that what we are doing, how we are acting and the things we are saying ISN'T reality. Do you get it? When we are in that state we can't tell the difference between our reality and real reality. We think we are being us, this is how we are, we are just happy and feel good. That happy good feeling is my sin! I fall short every time but at the time "that's the real Ashlee". See what I mean.
I know you have to be thinking, "can't she control it"? I cannot control the Mania. Once it gets so far out of hand there is no looking back, it is no longer Ashlee in my body but the monster. When I am Hypo there is also little control but it can be brought to my attention easier that I am slipping into Mania. That doesn't mean that I will listen because usually if you bring things (like my flaws) to my attention I will rebel. I'll show you kinda attitude. People don't have to tell me, I know when I am slipping into an episode and when they TELL me it makes me angry and I withdraw. The only one that can point it out and I'm okay with pointing it out is my husband. It still makes me a little angry but he does it differently than everyone else. He doesn't look down on me or condemn me or show disappointment on his face like the rest of my family because he "gets it". No one else "gets it".
Once the Mania has ran it's course, down....down....down we go into the deep dark ugly place that consumes me. Depression. I hate you depression! I LOVE being manic, every bipolar person loves to be manic. It's fun, makes you a fun person, you have all kinds of energy, work hard, get things done and feel like a teenager again. Remember, you are on my bipolar-coaster. When you start off on a roller-coaster you go slow and steady up a big, giant hill. Tick, Tick, Tick (hypo-mania to mania). Once you get to the top and look around there is no greater feeling you are on top of the world and then WHOOOSH. You plummet to the bottom fast. That is how this disorder works. It's a slow climb to the top and then bam, you go over the hill and have crashed into a God awful depression. This summer was the worse depression I have EVER experienced and like I said before, should have been hospitalized.
So, that's a little bit of my falling from Grace ever so often because of this stupid monster I battle on a daily basis. I hate when people say, "she is supposed to be a Christian". Let me tell you, I love God and he knows my heart, he knows my struggles, he knows my pain, he has counted every hair on my head (which is a lot by the way) and I am a Christian but I am a sinner just like you. I have a relationship with my Father and he would never turn His back on His child. Daddy's (real one's) don't do that. It's called Grace.
Oh God, OH God, OH GOD!
That third Oh God He must have really heard. I thought we were going to die! It's snowing here in Kentucky, the first snowfall of the year and don't ya know I have to take my son to the doctor. Of all days, today it snows.
We were on our way to the doctor's office (45 minutes from here) and we are just coming into town and my truck starts sliding. I couldn't get it to stop! We went into oncoming traffic, back in our lane, back into oncoming traffic, almost over the embankment when I yelled "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God". On that third "Oh God" the truck that was COMPLETELY out of control stopped dead in it's tracks. Psalm 18:6 "In my distress I called upon Jehovah and cried out to my God. He heard my voice from His temple, and my cry before Him came to His ears."
God heard my cries! I believe and know with all my heart He stopped that truck, He saved me and my babies and that prayer my grandmother covered her family in this morning didn't fall on deaf ears. God is real, He is here, He hears and when you call upon His name He listens.
When I am spiraling out of control like that truck I don't always remember God is here, there and everywhere. When I get into a mode of mania or hypo I don't care about anyone but myself. It's sad to say that, it's hard to admit but it's a part of the disease. It's the monster and not me. I have felt like that truck, uncontrollable switching from one lane to the next, spinning around in circles not know what direction to go in next. Eventually God stops me dead in my tracks as well. People cover me in prayer and the monster gets back in his closet for the time being. I hate when I get that way. I can't control me, my husband can't control me and people telling me how crazy, selfish, immature and stupid I am being just makes it worse! Once God has stopped me in my tracks and I look back at what I have done or caused comes the downward spiral. Usually for most people with Bipolar Disorder you swing from one mood to the next (mania, hypo, depression). After mania comes depression and that stupid monster consumes my soul. He doesn't stay in the closet long.
When I am depressed, I AM depressed. I don't just get a little down in the dumps. I withdraw from everyone, I lay on the couch covered with my favorite blanket that makes me feel safe. I don't want to take care of my kids, I don't want to talk to anyone or hear anyone talk, I don't want to take a bath, brush my teeth, go to church, go to Walmart and if I have to go out I have a panic attack. Then one day I too snap out of that. This summer was the worse depression I have ever suffered. That monster had a hold of me and I could NOT get up and in hindsight I should have been hospitalized. I remember people commenting on my post on Facebook pretty much saying suck it up, get out of the house, go do something, blah blah blah. It did nothing but make me even more withdrawn and angry. I would scream in my head THEY DON'T GET IT. I wanted nothing more than to be saved by someone this summer but for me to cry out for help usually isn't going to happen. I would think about going to the hospital like it would be a spa day for me. But then there is the stigma. "She's what? In the hospital? For what? Oh my gosh. She's crazy. She has lost it. Maybe shes on drugs again." I can hear them talking now. Next time will someone remind me to stop caring about what other people think? I mean I have this blog now.....they are all gonna know how crazy I am.
That's why I need to get this out there. This is my therapy and always has been. In most cases my fingers can keep up with my brain when I am typing or my brain slows down one? I am speaking of the racing thoughts that coincide with the monster. It is why I rarely talk to other people and I am a quite person. I have enough running through my brain at one time that it's hard to hold a conversation, pay attention to a movie or to pay attention to anything really. You could be talking to me and I have no idea what you are saying because I am thinking 100 different things at once already. I hate it and feel crazy! It's not me being rude, it's about over sensory and being able to process that sensory. Music is a lifesaver. It's about the only time I can get my brain to shut-up other than writing. So, if you are ever talking to me and I look spaced out.....sorry. Now you know why.
But ya know, I wouldn't trade who I am for anything. No matter how miserable I get or how extremely happy I get I have been (Blessed?) given this disorder for a reason. God has a plan. I have been through so so so much in my life that I know he is going to use me. I have always known he was going to use me, I just didn't know how. Maybe it's this way. Maybe one day I am going to look back and have a million followers on here that I am helping. Maybe the stigma will start to lift with me. Maybe someone will start understanding a loved one because they get to see inside my brain almost daily. I don't know what His plan is but I know it's gonna be good! Amen?
I'll leave you with this. I am who I am and I am not ashamed anymore of who I am. This is like a coming out party for me. I have hidden this part of me from the world all because of stigma and what people may say or think. You can go and gossip to your girlfriend about this blog and about me and when you do I hope the Lord will convict your heart as quickly as it comes out of your mouth. I know that God will help me, protect me, cover me in Grace and lead me. Where ever he goes I will follow and for me this is the most dangerous mission yet. I am stepping out of my fear, into light, hopefully glorifying God the entire way. There is the danger of me getting my feelings hurt, people keeping their distance from me now and maybe dealing with some gossiping drama (I will call you out), Matthew 5 24 leave your gift on the altar. Go and make right what is wrong between you and him. God has laid this on my heart and I will obey. All I ask is that you be gentle with me, I am not a vulnerable person and this is a vulnerable kinda thing I'm doing. God is breaking down these stone walls one by one. One last thing, please remember I have an identity. I am Ashlee, not bipolar Ashlee. The disease does not nor will I allow it to define me.
P.S. for those wondering, yes I am medicated......for your protection. LOL!! :)
We were on our way to the doctor's office (45 minutes from here) and we are just coming into town and my truck starts sliding. I couldn't get it to stop! We went into oncoming traffic, back in our lane, back into oncoming traffic, almost over the embankment when I yelled "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God". On that third "Oh God" the truck that was COMPLETELY out of control stopped dead in it's tracks. Psalm 18:6 "In my distress I called upon Jehovah and cried out to my God. He heard my voice from His temple, and my cry before Him came to His ears."
God heard my cries! I believe and know with all my heart He stopped that truck, He saved me and my babies and that prayer my grandmother covered her family in this morning didn't fall on deaf ears. God is real, He is here, He hears and when you call upon His name He listens.
When I am spiraling out of control like that truck I don't always remember God is here, there and everywhere. When I get into a mode of mania or hypo I don't care about anyone but myself. It's sad to say that, it's hard to admit but it's a part of the disease. It's the monster and not me. I have felt like that truck, uncontrollable switching from one lane to the next, spinning around in circles not know what direction to go in next. Eventually God stops me dead in my tracks as well. People cover me in prayer and the monster gets back in his closet for the time being. I hate when I get that way. I can't control me, my husband can't control me and people telling me how crazy, selfish, immature and stupid I am being just makes it worse! Once God has stopped me in my tracks and I look back at what I have done or caused comes the downward spiral. Usually for most people with Bipolar Disorder you swing from one mood to the next (mania, hypo, depression). After mania comes depression and that stupid monster consumes my soul. He doesn't stay in the closet long.
When I am depressed, I AM depressed. I don't just get a little down in the dumps. I withdraw from everyone, I lay on the couch covered with my favorite blanket that makes me feel safe. I don't want to take care of my kids, I don't want to talk to anyone or hear anyone talk, I don't want to take a bath, brush my teeth, go to church, go to Walmart and if I have to go out I have a panic attack. Then one day I too snap out of that. This summer was the worse depression I have ever suffered. That monster had a hold of me and I could NOT get up and in hindsight I should have been hospitalized. I remember people commenting on my post on Facebook pretty much saying suck it up, get out of the house, go do something, blah blah blah. It did nothing but make me even more withdrawn and angry. I would scream in my head THEY DON'T GET IT. I wanted nothing more than to be saved by someone this summer but for me to cry out for help usually isn't going to happen. I would think about going to the hospital like it would be a spa day for me. But then there is the stigma. "She's what? In the hospital? For what? Oh my gosh. She's crazy. She has lost it. Maybe shes on drugs again." I can hear them talking now. Next time will someone remind me to stop caring about what other people think? I mean I have this blog now.....they are all gonna know how crazy I am.
That's why I need to get this out there. This is my therapy and always has been. In most cases my fingers can keep up with my brain when I am typing or my brain slows down one? I am speaking of the racing thoughts that coincide with the monster. It is why I rarely talk to other people and I am a quite person. I have enough running through my brain at one time that it's hard to hold a conversation, pay attention to a movie or to pay attention to anything really. You could be talking to me and I have no idea what you are saying because I am thinking 100 different things at once already. I hate it and feel crazy! It's not me being rude, it's about over sensory and being able to process that sensory. Music is a lifesaver. It's about the only time I can get my brain to shut-up other than writing. So, if you are ever talking to me and I look spaced out.....sorry. Now you know why.
But ya know, I wouldn't trade who I am for anything. No matter how miserable I get or how extremely happy I get I have been (Blessed?) given this disorder for a reason. God has a plan. I have been through so so so much in my life that I know he is going to use me. I have always known he was going to use me, I just didn't know how. Maybe it's this way. Maybe one day I am going to look back and have a million followers on here that I am helping. Maybe the stigma will start to lift with me. Maybe someone will start understanding a loved one because they get to see inside my brain almost daily. I don't know what His plan is but I know it's gonna be good! Amen?
I'll leave you with this. I am who I am and I am not ashamed anymore of who I am. This is like a coming out party for me. I have hidden this part of me from the world all because of stigma and what people may say or think. You can go and gossip to your girlfriend about this blog and about me and when you do I hope the Lord will convict your heart as quickly as it comes out of your mouth. I know that God will help me, protect me, cover me in Grace and lead me. Where ever he goes I will follow and for me this is the most dangerous mission yet. I am stepping out of my fear, into light, hopefully glorifying God the entire way. There is the danger of me getting my feelings hurt, people keeping their distance from me now and maybe dealing with some gossiping drama (I will call you out), Matthew 5 24 leave your gift on the altar. Go and make right what is wrong between you and him. God has laid this on my heart and I will obey. All I ask is that you be gentle with me, I am not a vulnerable person and this is a vulnerable kinda thing I'm doing. God is breaking down these stone walls one by one. One last thing, please remember I have an identity. I am Ashlee, not bipolar Ashlee. The disease does not nor will I allow it to define me.
P.S. for those wondering, yes I am medicated......for your protection. LOL!! :)
All Aboard......
The Bipolar Coaster!!
I would first like to say how much I appreciate that you are reading my blog. Here I can be open and honest about my daily struggles being a Christian girl dealing with the monster. It's not easy!!
I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II since I was about 13 years old. Three years ago or so I rededicated my life back to Christ. So being a Christian who deals with bipolar disorder is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with and I've been through a lot.
Here's a little background:
I am a recovering addict. Ya see I was diagnosed at 13 only because I was seeing a therapist for being sexually abused. I started drinking and using drugs at 13 to cope with being abused. It wasn't until I was 25, married with a child, that I decided I needed to straighten myself up. I went to detox. I have been clean now for three years and have been blessed with another child, a little girl this time. It wasn't until I got clean that I had to deal with the monster again. I had covered him up for years medicating with drugs. Now that I was clean, here he came creeping up my back again. So, most recently I have been taking my illness seriously and trying to get past the stigma, the embarrassment, the shame I feel for having a disorder. Why do I feel this way? Cause of the stigma of course. If you are bipolar most people deem you as crazy. Yes I am a little crazy and can be really crazy at times but there is more to me than the bipolar disorder, a lot more. I hope that this blog will open the eyes of my friends and family, that they will be able to see through my writing what I deal with everyday.
As for me being a Christian girl. Let me put this out there......I AM NOT PERFECT. I am a sinner just like the rest of you and yes I probably sin a lot more than others because of the monster. Sometimes he gets completely out of control and I can't save myself, I do stupid stuff, say stupid things, hurt the one's I love and fail God completely. With that being said, please no judgement. I am being judged and I know the mistakes I make, all my shortcomings, my flaws and my craziness and there is no need to point it out or hold it against me. When people point out my flaws, sins and shortcomings it makes me withdraw that much more. I know how stupid I can be so lets leave it at that. I want this to be my safe place and if you aren't ready for my truth and antics then I suggest you check in at another time.
Oh and one more thing.....I am NOT blaming bipolar disorder for all of my actions. I take full responsibility for all the things I have done and will do. The monster on my back is 90% to blame, let me explain. I am either manic, hypo-manic or depressed. If you don't know what that means go look it up real quick. I cycle through all three but mostly stay either hypo or depressed. There is hardly EVER a middle ground where I am "normal". So that other 10% is my middle ground, where I am Ashlee and not Manic Ashlee or Hypo Ashlee or Depressed Ashlee. You are about to get on my roller coaster, inside the head of a bipolar person, a very honest look into my deepest thoughts and feelings. You may not understand, you may think "my goodness she is crazy", you may think "she's a Christian?", you may think "what is she thinking". I expect that and it's okay, you won't always understand because no one "gets" bipolar except the bipolar. We CAN'T control all of it, we spin out of control and sometimes we are just as normal as you might be. What you need to understand is I can be four different people inside this one body I have. So get ready.....get set.....lets go!
I would first like to say how much I appreciate that you are reading my blog. Here I can be open and honest about my daily struggles being a Christian girl dealing with the monster. It's not easy!!
I have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder II since I was about 13 years old. Three years ago or so I rededicated my life back to Christ. So being a Christian who deals with bipolar disorder is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with and I've been through a lot.
Here's a little background:
I am a recovering addict. Ya see I was diagnosed at 13 only because I was seeing a therapist for being sexually abused. I started drinking and using drugs at 13 to cope with being abused. It wasn't until I was 25, married with a child, that I decided I needed to straighten myself up. I went to detox. I have been clean now for three years and have been blessed with another child, a little girl this time. It wasn't until I got clean that I had to deal with the monster again. I had covered him up for years medicating with drugs. Now that I was clean, here he came creeping up my back again. So, most recently I have been taking my illness seriously and trying to get past the stigma, the embarrassment, the shame I feel for having a disorder. Why do I feel this way? Cause of the stigma of course. If you are bipolar most people deem you as crazy. Yes I am a little crazy and can be really crazy at times but there is more to me than the bipolar disorder, a lot more. I hope that this blog will open the eyes of my friends and family, that they will be able to see through my writing what I deal with everyday.
As for me being a Christian girl. Let me put this out there......I AM NOT PERFECT. I am a sinner just like the rest of you and yes I probably sin a lot more than others because of the monster. Sometimes he gets completely out of control and I can't save myself, I do stupid stuff, say stupid things, hurt the one's I love and fail God completely. With that being said, please no judgement. I am being judged and I know the mistakes I make, all my shortcomings, my flaws and my craziness and there is no need to point it out or hold it against me. When people point out my flaws, sins and shortcomings it makes me withdraw that much more. I know how stupid I can be so lets leave it at that. I want this to be my safe place and if you aren't ready for my truth and antics then I suggest you check in at another time.
Oh and one more thing.....I am NOT blaming bipolar disorder for all of my actions. I take full responsibility for all the things I have done and will do. The monster on my back is 90% to blame, let me explain. I am either manic, hypo-manic or depressed. If you don't know what that means go look it up real quick. I cycle through all three but mostly stay either hypo or depressed. There is hardly EVER a middle ground where I am "normal". So that other 10% is my middle ground, where I am Ashlee and not Manic Ashlee or Hypo Ashlee or Depressed Ashlee. You are about to get on my roller coaster, inside the head of a bipolar person, a very honest look into my deepest thoughts and feelings. You may not understand, you may think "my goodness she is crazy", you may think "she's a Christian?", you may think "what is she thinking". I expect that and it's okay, you won't always understand because no one "gets" bipolar except the bipolar. We CAN'T control all of it, we spin out of control and sometimes we are just as normal as you might be. What you need to understand is I can be four different people inside this one body I have. So get ready.....get set.....lets go!
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