Some sort of Hope *UPDATE*

Higher than the mountains that I face
Stronger than the power of the grave
Constant in the trial and the change
One thing… Remains

Your love never fails, never gives up
Never runs out on me

One Thing Remains ~ Passion

This is how I feel about that at this moment......I face some pretty steep mountains and I am in constant trail and change and I know God's love never fails and He never gives up on me but lately I don't feel Him. And no I haven't been doing my part. I don't pray, well I do occasionally. I'm not in the word. He is not at the center like He used to be.

I am having a hard time being motivated about anything in my life. I guess that's a part of my monster. You get defeated and somewhat give up because it is overwhelming. Seems like there are 100 things that need to be done and in my brain it's like I can't sort through it like I used to be able to. For instance, taking one thing at a time. I see all these things and it seems like too much and I don't know where to start and it overwhelms me so I just don't do it at all. I can't do just one things at a time. I feel like I need to do them all at once, which is ridiculous because who in the world can do that. So, I go from one thing to the next without finishing the first thing and so they get half way done before I get so overwhelmed I just quit.

Now there is the list....I'll get back to that in a minute.

About the praying and reading the bible. I can't concentrate. My mind is in 100 different directions at once and I can't get my brain to focus long enough before I am talking to God or reading while also thinking that the radio in the car still isn't put back together, Marlee's room needs to be cleaned, I can't forget about my appointment coming up, did I take my medicine or did I just think about taking my medicine, I need to give the kids a bath tonight but that is so much trouble and on and on and on. So, at the point of AMEN I have no idea what I was talking about with God or reading. So, I feel defeated. I can't do the simplest things that  other people do, so I'm not good enough or not as good as this person or that person. I'm not a good enough Christian because I can't do what other people do and then people try to encourage me and in my head I am going blah blah blah cause they have no idea. Like I haven't tried what they are suggesting. It irritates me, then what doesn't? UGH.

Back to the list. My counselor had me make a list of the top ten things I hate with number one being the thing I hate the most and doing number one first and work my way down the list. See, I feel as if I have nothing to look forward to everyday. It's the same life everyday, same routine, and I can't enjoy anything. I just exist. I'm an empty shell of a person that just goes with the motions trying to survive day to day. Trying to survive....that hits home. Who has to TRY and survive. Anyway. The list has given me some hope. I have been able to do the things I need to do. Mostly because it is organized and I don't go from one task to the next not finishing anything. I do the laundry (which is number one), do the dishes (number two) and so on. I have actually been accomplishing stuff and have had some pretty good days. It feels good to be able to do something, gives me some sort of hope.

So, hopefully I can keep this up and behave myself out of this slump I am in. It is so stupid to me.....I know in my rational mind that this is what I needed to do. I have thought about a list several times just never did it. I don't know why. Lack of caring, depression, no motivation to live. That is what makes me feel so crazy sometimes. I am not an ignorant girl, I am educated, I have a good sense or grasp on life in my rational mind. I know how things are supposed to be, what I am supposed to do but I just can't do it sometimes or I get lost in never never land. I don't know what happens really. Sometimes I give up but I guess maybe most of the time I feel so empty I can't hold it together.

Oh and the emptiness. I wonder if normal people forget how to love? If they too get empty, truly empty where they feel absolutely nothing at all. Most of the time I feel nothing, I don't know what to say or do or care about. The only emotion I ever do feel is anger. I am very angry and irritable. I can't deal with other people's crap, I can't take care of other people, I can't hold their stuff together and hold mine together. It is too much for me. I get overwhelmed so easily and then comes the anxiety and panic and racing thoughts. It's a cycle for me. I freak out over the smallest things because I am the one that has to hold everything together all the time with no help and I can barely can hold myself together. Sometimes I can't hold myself together. Why would anyone expect me to hold it all together? I can't hold it all together.


I DO NOT BELIEVE IN COINCIDENCES:

That being said.....what did I read on my favorite blog today? This ~~  You walk, one foot in the front of the other by the faith that gives you the hope you are already changed, perfect (Hebrews 10:14) according to heaven.

I don't have to be good enough, or like this person or like that person. I can just be me and look up instead of around. Go read her blog!  http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/01/when-you-give-up-and-you-break-youve-made-it/