I don't feel like it!

No, I am not lazy. I get in these funks where I don't feel like being around people or talking to people or listening to people talk. Everyone and everything gets on my nerves. I get on my own nerves. I am not a pleasant person to be around so I isolate. I don't want to leave the house, I don't want to be bothered, I am easily angered and un-centered (which auto correct is telling me that is not a word....un-centered). I don't know that I am ever centered but during this time I am definitely off. I am not happy, I'm not depressed, I am usually just angry and irritable.

I haven't felt like writing. Every time I have tried I have gotten aggravated with myself and deleted what I wrote. But I felt like I needed to write now because this is a part of who I am. Most people see it as I am just a mean person (usually use the B word :/ ) or I am some spoiled brat. I can be mean and I have been spoiled but that has nothing to do with these moods. The monster is a moody stupid disease. It is something medicine can't always control, no I can't just get over it, no I don't feel sorry for myself or want sympathy (in fact that gets on my nerves). This is a part of what I have to deal with. I do have triggers that bring on these moods. I feel overwhelmed lately, had a change in my medicine, Michael switching shifts, money beyond tight....it's not there and so this mood comes. It hangs around for awhile. I feel a total disconnect from God. I don't pray or read the Bible because that too aggravates me. Not the act in itself, it's because I can't get my thoughts together long enough to even say a prayer. UGH! I hate my brain. I will never forget Tom saying that when we can't pray the Holy Spirit goes to God for us and translates our groaning for us. I tell God I am sorry I can't pray, he knows my heart.

I hate that I have to deal with this. My brain is so much different than everyone else's and no one get it unless you deal with it. This mood I am in now feels like I am paralyzed. I am stuck in this rut and eventually I will feel better, so I know there is hope. I just have to ride the coaster, wait for the next hill. I wish God could take this away but then again to be normal without the racing thoughts and different moods I'm afraid I would become bored with life. Maybe I like being crazy. Oh goodness.

So, that is where I am right now. I just feel like WHATEVER. I don't care about anything right now and don't care to be bothered. But I am going to drag myself out of this house tonight to go to MOPS. I don't want to but I am going.

I sometimes wonder what all of you think when you read my blog. Some of you have sent me such encouraging messages and it's good to know I have opened the eyes of some of you and help you understand the disease. Then I wonder about those who judge me, whisper behind my back like a coward. If they do and are that self righteous than so be it. It is like talking about a person with cancer or downs syndrome. I have a disease that comes with a stigma. A stigma I hope to break.