Last week I was at Jace's basketball practice, just Marlee and I. I sat in front of one woman and then came another woman who sat behind me. Immediately they started a conversation and they didn't know each other. I heard one say to the other, "I don't know many people from here, I am not from here" and the other lady replied "nice to meet you". So, I sat there wondering the entire time as I listened to them chatting, how do people do that? I can't just go up to someone and start a conversation and even when someone starts one with me or casually says something to me I can't keep a conversation going. Everyone used to chalk it up to being shy. I am partly shy but for the most part here is what is running through my brain when I have to meet and talk to someone new......am I talking too much, am I not talking enough, what do they think of me, I bet they think I'm not normal, I bet they can tell there is something different, I bet they already don't like me and it goes on and on.
With bipolar disorder comes paranoia. I didn't realize that I had it so badly until I have lately been obsessed with researching my disease. I put a lot of stuff together. I hate going anywhere sometimes. I am always paranoid, especially if it is somewhere new. A couple of weeks ago I went to the grocery and because I hadn't been there before I kept thinking on the way there, "what if people can tell I haven't been here before, what if they can tell I'm not from this town, I don't want people looking at me". Then I get there and my anxiety is off the chain! Everyone I pass I think they are looking at me, thinking whatever they may be thinking about me, someone smiles and I put my head down and I have all these crazy thoughts going through my head. I mean come on....am I really that important to other people? HAHAHAHAHA! I'm sure no one was worried about me or what I was doing and they realized I was there doing the same thing they were doing. But in my mind everyone was looking at me, they were thinking bad things about me and it made my anxiety go through the roof. I always thought it was just anxiety but it's not. I'm pretty sure normal people don't deal with this.
I drive myself crazy sometimes because I get so worked up over nothing but I can't help it. I can't make it stop. Then my mind starts going even crazier than it usually is, thinking all kinds of unreasonable things (unless the mob is after you) and I am telling my own self in my head to "shut up, you are being irrational". People joke about having conversations with themselves but I really do. I try to calm my crazy side down....talk some sense into myself. Now that is bipolar in all it's glory people!
If I feel that way in the grocery store can you imagine how I feel on Sunday Morning Service when they ask you to greet the people around you. I'd rather crawl under the pew. But I stand there with my very fake uncomfortable smile and shake people's hands. I wish they would rethink that part of the service! It is torture for me. Oh and what if someone said good morning how are you and I told them how I was really doing instead of the polite "oh I'm fine". They wouldn't come back to church. Hahahaha!! That's the only part of church I dislike, being forced to be sociable.
I have had this on my mind for awhile but have been to tired to get off the couch to blog. They have been changing my meds and I haven't been myself (which is good). I am not as angry and short-tempered and I'm not nearly as depressed as I was. I'm still not okay though. I can't explain how I feel other than I just feel here. I'm just here. I don't feel happy and I don't feel as depressed. Maybe I don't feel right now. Again....bipolar at it's finest. It's a roller coaster and you roll with the hills. Not knowing how you feel is normal, with us. I go to a therapist this coming week and back to the nurse the week after. We will see what they say. Most of the time they have no idea what they are talking about either. I love when the nurse told me to exercise cause I'll feel better. Telling a severely depressed person to go exercise is crazy. I barely get off the couch and you want me to go walking. RIGHT! I'm not that bad anymore though but I'm still not leaving the house. Paranoia has the best of me. I barely make it to church and basketball practice.
Anyway....just another day in my shoes for you. :)
Excellent. I love your posts! I know just what you mean, and can relate.
ReplyDeleteIt sounds like you might have a little bit (maybe more than a little) of Social Anxiety. My husband lives with this and it's excruciating at times. Read my article here http://sisterjinx.blogspot.com/2013/01/living-with-social-anxiety.html and you might want to check out a book called "What They Must Think of Me". I am sorry you struggle with this but know you are not at all alone.
ReplyDeleteI do have social anxiety! But the paranoia that comes along with it at times is horrible!
ReplyDeleteI can definitely relate to social anxiety. 2 years ago, in the midst of a severe depressive episode, I experienced it every day. I totally withdrew from friends and family. Spent all day everyday in my house, in bed most of the time. Was too anxious to go out for a walk or even to the grocery store. I wasted so much money ordering takeout and having it delivered because I didn't want to go outside and face people while buying food at the supermarket!!! I was always self-conscious and worried about what others thought of me, so I avoided socializing at all costs... Eventually I attempted suicide and was hospitalized for 2 1/2 weeks. After being stabilized on new meds and restarting therapy I gradually started to improve. It's been a long and uphill battle. Fortunately I'm much better now and don't experience social anxiety as I used to. But sometimes I worry that I am socializing TOO much. Going out, meeting new people... I think to myself, am I becoming hypomanic again, or is this healthy and normal?? Am I too talkative now? Am I spending too much money? It's such a fine line we walk living with this disease. A few steps in either direction and it seems we can go falling off the deep end. Life can be so complicated sometimes... One things for sure though: we've got to keep moving forward, no matter what!
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