Could this be.....

Stability? I haven't known stability in so long I don't know how it feels. To my family I am either depressed or manic. Any emotion at all is blamed on the monster. For instance, if I want to do something out of the norm for me then I am manic. If I don't want to be around people for whatever reason then I am depressed. That is not always the case. I am still trying to find out who Ashlee is because I am unfamiliar with a stable me. I honestly don't know what stability looks like for me.

I can remember back in a happier time in my life (WOW eleven years ago) when I was around the age of sixteen or seventeen. The circumstance I was under around that time were not good circumstances yet when I think back for the most part I was happy. I can remember loving life, loving the people around me, having good times and feeling joy. Despite the circumstances, which were horrible, I had joy. It is hard for me to distinguish if I was hypo-manic during those times, manic or just me because who is "me"? Was I ever stable? I have ALWAYS been crazy, out going, loud, center of attention, the party has arrived girl. Was that manic me or is that my personality? Inside I feel like that girl. The girl who says things that are better left unsaid, the girl who on a whim takes off to Tennessee just to go, the girl who up and packs up for a weekend to go camping on a whim, the girl who loves loud music and dancing, the girl who doesn't take any crap from anyone, the girl who will call you out and embarrass all her friends around her and the girl that may moon you going down the interstate.

That girl that I just described is the girl I always remember and is there something really wrong with that girl? Yea, I may say things out of the way, I may make a situation uncomfortable for other people, I may take off and just get away, I may go to a bar and get my dance on but when I am that girl I get pegged as manic. In my book that isn't manic.

You see, when I was growing up I had a lot of fun. I remember on the spur of the moment we would go camping, go to Florida, ride down an old country road just because. I remember being on the interstate and people mooning each other and messing with the truckers. I remember messing with people just to mess with them. I remember doing a lot of things that I shouldn't have been doing. I was always a rebel. That's not manic, right? We would do silly things out in public just to embarrass each other. We were just a crazy group of people who didn't care who was watching or what people thought because we were having a good time. That girl is still there. I really like that girl. Heavens forbid she creeps out and I am labeled manic.

I'm pretty sure that a lot of my "craziness" is from how I was raised and not a manic episode. I do go overboard and I do get manic! But if I am the least little bit happy and want to have a good time or do something spur of the moment I am manic. It is hard to deal with because I am ALWAYS labeled. I am never just me. When I am being labeled by a loved one and NOT in an episode it kills my self-esteem. It makes me feel like who I am is not acceptable. In a way episodes are not acceptable because of the behavior brought on by the episodes. So, if the episodes are unacceptable and my family thinks that I am in an episode and I'm not then I am unacceptable. At least that is how my brain works and that is how I feel.

I'm stable now. I am who I am. I do what I do. I say what I say. Most people who know me well, who have known me all my life will tell you, "that's just Ashlee". I think that's okay. I think it's okay to just be Ashlee. The only problem is my husband, recently made friends within the past three or so years and acquaintances don't know the stable Ashlee. Well, obviously by this blog I don't either but for arguments sake we are going to run with this. These people know the depressed me, the manic me and the hypo-manic me. They don't know the Ashlee that does stuff on a whim, says crazy things, does crazy things and has fun. I haven't been that person in eleven years because from eighteen to twenty two I was high, self medicating. At twenty three I had my son and by the time I turned twenty four I was strung out on pills. By twenty five I was in detox. A few months later after that I was pregnant with my daughter.

What I am trying to say is I haven't had time to get stable because I was either high, having babies or trying to fight addiction. Most of the people in my life right now didn't know me when I was stable. When I met my husband I was high. The friends I have now know the Ashlee who was fighting the fight to stay clean. I was unstable in each circumstance. I am worried they may not like the stable Ashlee. I am mostly worried about my husband. He has seen a many of me's yet not a stable one and I haven't for a long time either.