Confessions

Romans 13:12–14

12 dThe night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let usecast off fthe works of darkness and gput on the armor of light. 13 hLet us walk properly as in the daytime, inot in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, jnot in quarreling and jealousy. 14 But kput on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, lto gratify its desires.

There are times in the middle of the night that I can't wait to see the sun come up. I lay in my bed, tossing and turning, mind racing about.....well whatever, I can't get it to shut off and all I want is to go to sleep. I will obsess over everything depending on my mood I guess. It's almost like all of my fears creep in at night. The one I most hate is death. I don't know why but I have such a fear of those around me dying, I don't want to be alone, to be without them and I obsess. Thank God when the sun comes up.

Darkness. My darkest of times was this summer as I said before. I don't think that I could even think. I never thought about anything really. I just laid there, on my couch, empty. The emptiness and the darkness was overwhelming. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't really care to do anything with myself. I mean it's gross and all (but we are being honest here right?) I didn't want to get up and take a shower. When my kids asked for something to eat or drink I didn't want to get up to get it. If my house was dirty I didn't care (so unlike me). 

I'm going to tell you how bad it really gets and got for me. You can judge me and not understand because I don't expect you to and frankly I don't care. I called Michael, he was at work. The kids were acting up and I couldn't take it anymore, I was about to go psycho. I told him I couldn't take it anymore and that he needed to come home. It was so bad that I said this, "I can somewhat understand now why Mothers go crazy and drown their kids in a bathtub or drive into a pond with their windows rolled up". I was sick people. Very very very sick. I would have NEVER hurt my kids no matter how sick I got but in that brief moment I could relate to all those sick, psychotic mothers. I couldn't take it anymore, it was too much. It makes me cry to even admit that. But you see, it's the sickness, the monster. You do things, you think things that you normally wouldn't. The monster is the Devil.

I'm not sure why no one seen how sick I was or didn't do anything about it. They noticed, they could see it in my eyes but no one offered to help. I was helpless and couldn't pull it together until one day I just started getting better. And that is the roller-coaster. One minute you are crazy, the next everything is just fine, the next you are on top of the world and the next is back down the hill you go. I never get a rest....ever.

Let us walk properly. Well, even with God when I am manic there is no reasoning. There is no REAL reality. I am a different person and God is not my top priority, I am. Now that recently I have been recognizing my episodes and my husband has been recognizing my episodes I can control it a little better before it gets out of hand. Not saying that it will never get out of hand again because it will, it's the monster. A month ago I started getting manic. My husband recognized it and pointed it out. I knew I was, but I like it and hated that he just had to point it out. It's good that he pointed it out though because I didn't go crazy this time. It lasted about a month and now I'm almost in a mixed state. Some days I am a little hypo-manic and some days I feel myself slipping into the dark. I'm trying to stay on middle ground, fighting, not to let the monster win.

Put on the Lord Jesus Christ. I have not lost sight this time. I know there is hope, I know I am going to be okay, I remember to pray, I do my bible studies, my armor is on and the ONLY thing keeping me sane right now and I am sure of that. It is a battle, a stupid ongoing battle that is exhausting. I get so irritable and angry (part of being in a mixed state). I have no patience and don't want to be around people. The smallest things pee me off such as the clicking of a pen, people eating, someone talking too much or any at all and people in general. That is how I have felt lately. I just need to be in my own little world away from all that bugs me so I don't snap and beat the crap out of someone.

So, it is possible to live by scripture and trust God. That is not saying that when the disease gets out of control and you are asking "I thought she was a Christian?" that I will keep sight of things. I will lose sight again, the monster will take over, I will do sinful things. God will cover me in his Grace and bring me back to the light like a good Shepard does. It is between He and I and none of anyone else's business. He came for the sick. I am sick.