That third Oh God He must have really heard. I thought we were going to die! It's snowing here in Kentucky, the first snowfall of the year and don't ya know I have to take my son to the doctor. Of all days, today it snows.
We were on our way to the doctor's office (45 minutes from here) and we are just coming into town and my truck starts sliding. I couldn't get it to stop! We went into oncoming traffic, back in our lane, back into oncoming traffic, almost over the embankment when I yelled "Oh God, Oh God, Oh God". On that third "Oh God" the truck that was COMPLETELY out of control stopped dead in it's tracks. Psalm 18:6 "In my distress I called upon Jehovah and cried out to my God. He heard my voice from His temple, and my cry before Him came to His ears."
God heard my cries! I believe and know with all my heart He stopped that truck, He saved me and my babies and that prayer my grandmother covered her family in this morning didn't fall on deaf ears. God is real, He is here, He hears and when you call upon His name He listens.
When I am spiraling out of control like that truck I don't always remember God is here, there and everywhere. When I get into a mode of mania or hypo I don't care about anyone but myself. It's sad to say that, it's hard to admit but it's a part of the disease. It's the monster and not me. I have felt like that truck, uncontrollable switching from one lane to the next, spinning around in circles not know what direction to go in next. Eventually God stops me dead in my tracks as well. People cover me in prayer and the monster gets back in his closet for the time being. I hate when I get that way. I can't control me, my husband can't control me and people telling me how crazy, selfish, immature and stupid I am being just makes it worse! Once God has stopped me in my tracks and I look back at what I have done or caused comes the downward spiral. Usually for most people with Bipolar Disorder you swing from one mood to the next (mania, hypo, depression). After mania comes depression and that stupid monster consumes my soul. He doesn't stay in the closet long.
When I am depressed, I AM depressed. I don't just get a little down in the dumps. I withdraw from everyone, I lay on the couch covered with my favorite blanket that makes me feel safe. I don't want to take care of my kids, I don't want to talk to anyone or hear anyone talk, I don't want to take a bath, brush my teeth, go to church, go to Walmart and if I have to go out I have a panic attack. Then one day I too snap out of that. This summer was the worse depression I have ever suffered. That monster had a hold of me and I could NOT get up and in hindsight I should have been hospitalized. I remember people commenting on my post on Facebook pretty much saying suck it up, get out of the house, go do something, blah blah blah. It did nothing but make me even more withdrawn and angry. I would scream in my head THEY DON'T GET IT. I wanted nothing more than to be saved by someone this summer but for me to cry out for help usually isn't going to happen. I would think about going to the hospital like it would be a spa day for me. But then there is the stigma. "She's what? In the hospital? For what? Oh my gosh. She's crazy. She has lost it. Maybe shes on drugs again." I can hear them talking now. Next time will someone remind me to stop caring about what other people think? I mean I have this blog now.....they are all gonna know how crazy I am.
That's why I need to get this out there. This is my therapy and always has been. In most cases my fingers can keep up with my brain when I am typing or my brain slows down one? I am speaking of the racing thoughts that coincide with the monster. It is why I rarely talk to other people and I am a quite person. I have enough running through my brain at one time that it's hard to hold a conversation, pay attention to a movie or to pay attention to anything really. You could be talking to me and I have no idea what you are saying because I am thinking 100 different things at once already. I hate it and feel crazy! It's not me being rude, it's about over sensory and being able to process that sensory. Music is a lifesaver. It's about the only time I can get my brain to shut-up other than writing. So, if you are ever talking to me and I look spaced out.....sorry. Now you know why.
But ya know, I wouldn't trade who I am for anything. No matter how miserable I get or how extremely happy I get I have been (Blessed?) given this disorder for a reason. God has a plan. I have been through so so so much in my life that I know he is going to use me. I have always known he was going to use me, I just didn't know how. Maybe it's this way. Maybe one day I am going to look back and have a million followers on here that I am helping. Maybe the stigma will start to lift with me. Maybe someone will start understanding a loved one because they get to see inside my brain almost daily. I don't know what His plan is but I know it's gonna be good! Amen?
I'll leave you with this. I am who I am and I am not ashamed anymore of who I am. This is like a coming out party for me. I have hidden this part of me from the world all because of stigma and what people may say or think. You can go and gossip to your girlfriend about this blog and about me and when you do I hope the Lord will convict your heart as quickly as it comes out of your mouth. I know that God will help me, protect me, cover me in Grace and lead me. Where ever he goes I will follow and for me this is the most dangerous mission yet. I am stepping out of my fear, into light, hopefully glorifying God the entire way. There is the danger of me getting my feelings hurt, people keeping their distance from me now and maybe dealing with some gossiping drama (I will call you out), Matthew 5 24 leave your gift on the altar. Go and make right what is wrong between you and him. God has laid this on my heart and I will obey. All I ask is that you be gentle with me, I am not a vulnerable person and this is a vulnerable kinda thing I'm doing. God is breaking down these stone walls one by one. One last thing, please remember I have an identity. I am Ashlee, not bipolar Ashlee. The disease does not nor will I allow it to define me.
P.S. for those wondering, yes I am medicated......for your protection. LOL!! :)
Here's your Amen! I can relate some to your being on your couch while everyone is telling you to get out and do something. I suffered from anxiety much of last year, and there were days that I would lie on our recliner in the living room watching tv...and I was to afraid to even go in my backyard. I was able to get some relief to eat by taking xanax and being told, "You shouldn't take that, you'll get addicted!" What a stress.
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