It is funny how a song or smell can trigger a memory. Some songs come on the radio and I will immediately turn the channel. I'll walk past someone and the smell of their cologne takes me to a place I either want to be or run far away from.
Today, because of a couple who are close to me, I have been thinking about my past. I don't like to go there, most of it is ugly. I was thinking how many times my poor husband could have up and ran if he wanted to. I have been so manic that I drove the boy to the brink of insanity with me. He never gave up on me. Everyone else has always given up. No one wants to be around a person that they don't know who that person will be day to day. I guess my husband like the variety :)
There is no doubt in my mind that if we didn't have God then we wouldn't be we. There would no longer be an us. No Michael and Ashlee ever again. When I was weak in faith Michael was strong and when Michael was weak (yea he's not perfect ;) even tho I make it seem that way) I was strong. To me that is no coincidence. Well I don't believe in coincidences. I know it was God. God took us to our breaking point but God never gave us too much even when we thought it WAS too much. God knew better and knew what He was doing. We have failed a few tests but by God's Grace we are still us.
Some people (I wish I could tell you who) think that he is crazy for staying with me. Here is the deal, ready? For better or for WORSE, in SICKNESS and in health till DEATH do us part. I am sick and most people don't get that, don't try to get it and could careless. Of course I don't go around flaunting it either. So when people say to him how crazy he is thankfully he can brush that off and think how silly they are to think you are supposed to throw away a marriage because of hard times. And he knows my sickness, he knows my worst and most of all he knows my heart. No one else takes the time to see but him. We took those vows and both of us have wanted to throw in the towel at times. During those times it's funny how one was always more grounded in God than the other. One was praying when the other wasn't. One was pleading while the other wasn't. So, when we see each other falling short it is definitely okay to say.....hey weirdo pick up your bible. I guess in hindsight I can now see what God was doing. We both see what God was doing.
I got to see one Sunday morning what God was doing in my husbands heart and that is a day I will never forget. I wish I could share it but Michael is more private than me. It was a healing for both of us. A healing we both needed. God is perfect in His timing and knows what we need before we think we know what we need.
I don't know what brought this subject up in my boggled brain. I think it's because Michael has a new cologne and I was thinking "down the road when I smell this I am going to feel comfort" cause that's where we are now. I'm starting to feel safe again in his arms. Music and fragrance will always take me back to another time.
Friday, December 28, 2012
Sunday, December 23, 2012
I'm different and that's Okay!
Irritability is an excessive response to stimuli.
Stimuli are events in the environment that influence behavior.
Stimuli....what an ugly word to call my family.....bahahahahaha! Just kidding guys, there is much more that irritates me than my family. I stay very irritated and angry. I'm not sure if it's easier for me to show anger than other emotions or if that's just the emotion I am most familiar with. I think it's the one I am most familiar with and so it's easier to express. Now that I am thinking about it, it happens to be the only one I express.
I rarely show happiness, the sadness may show but I don't intend for it to, I never cry and if I do I do it alone and love I rarely show. I feel these things on occasion of course, I am human after all. When I sit and I think about these feelings the one's I feel most frequently is anger. But when I'm not angry what do I feel? What do normal people feel? If you are happy do you feel happiness all the time? I know if I am depressed I feel depressed all the time. I feel angry all the time. I rarely feel happy, I mean I feel okay, but as far as happy I really don't know.
I find that to be another thing, not knowing how you are feeling. Don't ask me how I'm feeling cause most of the time I don't know. I really don't know. How can that be? That someone doesn't know how they feel? Is that normal or is that how people with Bipolar Disorder feel? I don't know. All I know is most of the time I don't feel anything. Gosh that sounds pathetic huh? If I am not angry or irritated then I feel nothing. I say I'm okay and maybe that is MY okay. I guess when you don't know what normal is for yourself yet (because I don't) it's okay to not know. I remember when I was young and in counseling Missy would ask me how I was feeling and I couldn't tell her. I didn't know. Shew, I need therapy.
Love is the hardest emotion for me to show. It means I need to be vulnerable and that's not something I am good at. I think somewhere along the way I have tied love and weakness together. I've always had to be strong. To not be strong is to BE weak. I've always refused to be weak. I was "weak" a couple of times and they made a fool out of me and I refuse to look that way again or feel that way again and so with love I can't be vulnerable. Well, to be honest I don't know that I can love. To love would mean to let someone hurt me again. So I keep people close enough but not too close. I've been let down by every single person in my life and it has broken my heart so badly that the pieces won't fit together anymore. And yes, I have certainly let people down and yes I think they should still love me and that's great if they can but I can't love all the way again. Is that confusing? I can love them, just not the way I used to love them. I will never love the way I used to love and that's sad. It used to be when I loved, I LOVED. Never again.
Speaking of weakness, I never cry and if I do I do it alone like I said. I'll never forget, I was telling one of my friends a story about something that happened and I mentioned that I was crying like a baby. Well the facial expression I made as I said that must have been one of those "roll your eyes, get over yourself faces". She said, "you talk about being emotional as if it's a bad thing". One thing about being bipolar (at least for me) is when someone says something that you like, don't like or makes you uncomfortable you never forget. I will obsess over what they said for days on end sometimes. When I say obsess I really mean that it will be all I can think about constantly, non-stop, in a drive you crazy kind of way. This is one of those moments I will never forget because for me it is a bad thing to be emotional. I don't like to be emotional.
There are so many things I wish I could forget. When people say hurtful things to me they NEVER go away. Every time I see that person I will remember what they said to me and feel that emotion over and over again. That's why I hate when people point out my flaws. I will obsess over it, feeling insecure until I forget then something triggers that memory and I start obsessing again. I can't just move on like normal people because my obsessive brain won't let me. I'm not holding a grudge intentionally, the pain is too much that it consumes me and no I can't get over the pain. If I could I would, I don't want to hold onto it but looks like I have no choice.
From the forums I have been on and all the Facebook support pages I am active in I have come to know that this is normal for people like me. We are sensitive people, we sometimes don't know how we feel, we are passionate, artistic and deep. I am sure the list could go on. We are on a different spectrum and it's hard for me to remember that not everyone FEELS the same way that I feel, hurts the way I hurt or thinks the way I think and that's okay. They may call me a drama queen or over reactive but they expect me to feel the way they feel, hurt the way they hurt and think the way they think and I don't. Most of the time that's not okay with them. But who cares? I am different and that's okay.
Stimuli are events in the environment that influence behavior.
Stimuli....what an ugly word to call my family.....bahahahahaha! Just kidding guys, there is much more that irritates me than my family. I stay very irritated and angry. I'm not sure if it's easier for me to show anger than other emotions or if that's just the emotion I am most familiar with. I think it's the one I am most familiar with and so it's easier to express. Now that I am thinking about it, it happens to be the only one I express.
I rarely show happiness, the sadness may show but I don't intend for it to, I never cry and if I do I do it alone and love I rarely show. I feel these things on occasion of course, I am human after all. When I sit and I think about these feelings the one's I feel most frequently is anger. But when I'm not angry what do I feel? What do normal people feel? If you are happy do you feel happiness all the time? I know if I am depressed I feel depressed all the time. I feel angry all the time. I rarely feel happy, I mean I feel okay, but as far as happy I really don't know.
I find that to be another thing, not knowing how you are feeling. Don't ask me how I'm feeling cause most of the time I don't know. I really don't know. How can that be? That someone doesn't know how they feel? Is that normal or is that how people with Bipolar Disorder feel? I don't know. All I know is most of the time I don't feel anything. Gosh that sounds pathetic huh? If I am not angry or irritated then I feel nothing. I say I'm okay and maybe that is MY okay. I guess when you don't know what normal is for yourself yet (because I don't) it's okay to not know. I remember when I was young and in counseling Missy would ask me how I was feeling and I couldn't tell her. I didn't know. Shew, I need therapy.
Love is the hardest emotion for me to show. It means I need to be vulnerable and that's not something I am good at. I think somewhere along the way I have tied love and weakness together. I've always had to be strong. To not be strong is to BE weak. I've always refused to be weak. I was "weak" a couple of times and they made a fool out of me and I refuse to look that way again or feel that way again and so with love I can't be vulnerable. Well, to be honest I don't know that I can love. To love would mean to let someone hurt me again. So I keep people close enough but not too close. I've been let down by every single person in my life and it has broken my heart so badly that the pieces won't fit together anymore. And yes, I have certainly let people down and yes I think they should still love me and that's great if they can but I can't love all the way again. Is that confusing? I can love them, just not the way I used to love them. I will never love the way I used to love and that's sad. It used to be when I loved, I LOVED. Never again.
Speaking of weakness, I never cry and if I do I do it alone like I said. I'll never forget, I was telling one of my friends a story about something that happened and I mentioned that I was crying like a baby. Well the facial expression I made as I said that must have been one of those "roll your eyes, get over yourself faces". She said, "you talk about being emotional as if it's a bad thing". One thing about being bipolar (at least for me) is when someone says something that you like, don't like or makes you uncomfortable you never forget. I will obsess over what they said for days on end sometimes. When I say obsess I really mean that it will be all I can think about constantly, non-stop, in a drive you crazy kind of way. This is one of those moments I will never forget because for me it is a bad thing to be emotional. I don't like to be emotional.
There are so many things I wish I could forget. When people say hurtful things to me they NEVER go away. Every time I see that person I will remember what they said to me and feel that emotion over and over again. That's why I hate when people point out my flaws. I will obsess over it, feeling insecure until I forget then something triggers that memory and I start obsessing again. I can't just move on like normal people because my obsessive brain won't let me. I'm not holding a grudge intentionally, the pain is too much that it consumes me and no I can't get over the pain. If I could I would, I don't want to hold onto it but looks like I have no choice.
From the forums I have been on and all the Facebook support pages I am active in I have come to know that this is normal for people like me. We are sensitive people, we sometimes don't know how we feel, we are passionate, artistic and deep. I am sure the list could go on. We are on a different spectrum and it's hard for me to remember that not everyone FEELS the same way that I feel, hurts the way I hurt or thinks the way I think and that's okay. They may call me a drama queen or over reactive but they expect me to feel the way they feel, hurt the way they hurt and think the way they think and I don't. Most of the time that's not okay with them. But who cares? I am different and that's okay.
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Of Monsters And Men - Slow and Steady - Lyrics [My Head Is An Animal] HD
Passing by all the Monsters in my head. I swear this band is bipolar!
Of Monsters and Men Little Talks Lyrics
This song is so very much Michael and I. He is always trying to save me even when I don't want to be saved.
Confessions
Romans 13:12–14
12 dThe night is far gone; the day is at hand. So then let usecast off fthe works of darkness and gput on the armor of light. 13 hLet us walk properly as in the daytime, inot in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and sensuality, jnot in quarreling and jealousy. 14 But kput on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh, lto gratify its desires.
There are times in the middle of the night that I can't wait to see the sun come up. I lay in my bed, tossing and turning, mind racing about.....well whatever, I can't get it to shut off and all I want is to go to sleep. I will obsess over everything depending on my mood I guess. It's almost like all of my fears creep in at night. The one I most hate is death. I don't know why but I have such a fear of those around me dying, I don't want to be alone, to be without them and I obsess. Thank God when the sun comes up.
Darkness. My darkest of times was this summer as I said before. I don't think that I could even think. I never thought about anything really. I just laid there, on my couch, empty. The emptiness and the darkness was overwhelming. I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't really care to do anything with myself. I mean it's gross and all (but we are being honest here right?) I didn't want to get up and take a shower. When my kids asked for something to eat or drink I didn't want to get up to get it. If my house was dirty I didn't care (so unlike me).
I'm going to tell you how bad it really gets and got for me. You can judge me and not understand because I don't expect you to and frankly I don't care. I called Michael, he was at work. The kids were acting up and I couldn't take it anymore, I was about to go psycho. I told him I couldn't take it anymore and that he needed to come home. It was so bad that I said this, "I can somewhat understand now why Mothers go crazy and drown their kids in a bathtub or drive into a pond with their windows rolled up". I was sick people. Very very very sick. I would have NEVER hurt my kids no matter how sick I got but in that brief moment I could relate to all those sick, psychotic mothers. I couldn't take it anymore, it was too much. It makes me cry to even admit that. But you see, it's the sickness, the monster. You do things, you think things that you normally wouldn't. The monster is the Devil.
I'm not sure why no one seen how sick I was or didn't do anything about it. They noticed, they could see it in my eyes but no one offered to help. I was helpless and couldn't pull it together until one day I just started getting better. And that is the roller-coaster. One minute you are crazy, the next everything is just fine, the next you are on top of the world and the next is back down the hill you go. I never get a rest....ever.
Let us walk properly. Well, even with God when I am manic there is no reasoning. There is no REAL reality. I am a different person and God is not my top priority, I am. Now that recently I have been recognizing my episodes and my husband has been recognizing my episodes I can control it a little better before it gets out of hand. Not saying that it will never get out of hand again because it will, it's the monster. A month ago I started getting manic. My husband recognized it and pointed it out. I knew I was, but I like it and hated that he just had to point it out. It's good that he pointed it out though because I didn't go crazy this time. It lasted about a month and now I'm almost in a mixed state. Some days I am a little hypo-manic and some days I feel myself slipping into the dark. I'm trying to stay on middle ground, fighting, not to let the monster win.
Put on the Lord Jesus Christ. I have not lost sight this time. I know there is hope, I know I am going to be okay, I remember to pray, I do my bible studies, my armor is on and the ONLY thing keeping me sane right now and I am sure of that. It is a battle, a stupid ongoing battle that is exhausting. I get so irritable and angry (part of being in a mixed state). I have no patience and don't want to be around people. The smallest things pee me off such as the clicking of a pen, people eating, someone talking too much or any at all and people in general. That is how I have felt lately. I just need to be in my own little world away from all that bugs me so I don't snap and beat the crap out of someone.
So, it is possible to live by scripture and trust God. That is not saying that when the disease gets out of control and you are asking "I thought she was a Christian?" that I will keep sight of things. I will lose sight again, the monster will take over, I will do sinful things. God will cover me in his Grace and bring me back to the light like a good Shepard does. It is between He and I and none of anyone else's business. He came for the sick. I am sick.
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